Hidden in Plain Sight
by Celebwen Telcontar
Summary: Mitarashi Anko was visiting her cousin, Petunia, when Dumbledore dropped Harry off, and Anko raises Harry in Konoha.  Hogwarts won't know what hit it...  Please read and review!  Rated for safety, violence and language
1. Prologue

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Here's another new fic!**_

_**Balrog: Another new Fanfiction? Why don't you just finish the ones you already have?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Because this plot bunny attacked me. Don't be fooled by their cute appearance: they have fangs and aren't afraid to use them.**_

_**Balrog: Plot bunnies remind me of Chappy from Bleach…**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Me too. (Shudders) Please review, people!**_

_**Balrog: Aren't you going to say something about the fact that you don't own Naruto or Harry Potter? Or Bleach, for that matter?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: You just did that for me.**_

* * *

><p>Most people don't think of the tectonic plates. The Pacific Plate is the largest of all plates without a continent. But that isn't true; the Pacific Plate does have a continent. Or it did, at one point. This continent was called the Living Land by the people who dwelt there, due to the powerful magic flowing about it. The inhabitants were peaceful, and lived in harmony with nature and the great animal spirits living with them, until the Outer Islands, known today as Japan, were invaded. Then, Kage Kami, the wise and respected leader of the People of the Living Land, sacrificed his life to keep the mainland from falling victim to the scourge of Outlanders by sealing the Living Land in a pocket dimension.<p>

The Living Land was renamed the Hidden Land, and the people on it formed themselves into settlements. The animal spirits retreated from the people, and the fighters formed mercenary groups that roved the land. Eventually, the mercenaries formed a great many people, fought, and the countries grew, shrank, vanished and were revived. The four lands that remained the longest were the Land of Fire, the Land of Lighting, the Land of Wind, and the Land of Earth.

The people have not changed much, and though there are some modern advances in technology, they are not at all as numerous as the outer world.

Millennia after Kage Kami sealed the Hidden Land away, a group of four magicians decided to form a school. The Founders were rather prolific, Godric Gryffindor and his wife having ten children, Helga Hufflepuff and her husband having six, Rowena Ravenclaw and her husband having three, and Salazar Slytherin and his wife having two sons. Gryffindor's bloodline became the Longbottom family, Ravenclaw's family became the Bones family, Hufflepuff's line became the Abbot family, and Slytherin's main line went squib and ended in the Evans family. Hogwarts was a place of commerce and diplomacy for the Highland sorcerers, and the castle was protected by four guardians: Windrider, an eagle native to the Alps; Sakura, a badger from the Hidden Land; Hector, a Neaman lion from Greece, and Sasha, a basilisk from Africa. After the Founders died, the protectors continued to watch over the castle. Then, a farmer mistook Windrider for a dragon, and a young knight named George killed her. Sakura had a tendency to raise werewolf pups, which were killed outright otherwise, and was killed by angry citizens. Hector left with the eldest son of the main Slytherin family, and never returned. Then, when Sasha was the last protector, she was driven mad by the loneliness of the castle where no one knew her or even that she was there. A young student, Tom Riddle, found her and preyed upon her weakening mind until she killed a student. The killing brought Sasha back to sanity, and she nearly killed the young man who manipulated her.

About the time Sasha killed Myrtle Thompson, a pair of twins were born. Their names were Daniel and Danielle Evans, descended from Salazar Slytherin. Daniel stayed in England, married a woman named Rose and had two daughters: Lily and Petunia; Danielle was more adventurous. She wanted to see the world before she married and settled down. Three weeks into her tour of Japan, she found a way to enter the Hidden Lands. She married a man named Mitarashi Kisuke from the Land of Fire, and returned from time to time to see her brother and nieces. Both Lily and Petunia met and grew rather close to Anne Constance, Danielle's daughter, who was often called Anko because she liked red bean paste so much.

Then, Daniel and Rose were killed in a Death Eater attack, Danielle retreated to the Hidden Lands and died from an illness soon after Kisuske was killed during a Shinobi mission, both when Anko was ten. Soon after, Anko became a Gennin, and was in a squad headed by Orochimaru, who she began to look up to as a father figure. Orochimaru manipulated and used Anko, branding her with his first successful Seal of Heaven. Anko realized what Orocimaru was doing and fled, leaving the Hidden Lands to stay with her cousin Petunia for a time.

Lily married James Potter, and Petunia married Vernon Dursley, both of which were attended by Anko. Both had one son, Harry and Dudley, respectively, and, on Halloween evening, Lily and James were killed by Tom Riddle under the pseudonym Voldemort.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: Okay, that was just to set things up! <strong>_

_**Balrog: Not too shabby. Are Orochimaru and Voldemort related?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Huh. They very well may be. That would be interesting.**_

_**Balrog: What about the Defenders? What happened to Hector?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: There's a scroll in the Mitarashi household from Mitarashi Danielle. You'll just have to read it.**_

_**Balrog: I'll do so. Please review, people. Celebwen lives off of them. You don't want to see her when she hasn't had her reviews! It's terrifying!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Balrog!**_


	2. Chapter 1

_**Celebwen Telcontar: This is the first chapter of my new fic, **_**Hidden in Plain Sight**_**. **_

_**Balrog: Interesting idea. (finishes a gneiss cookie)**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Please review!**_

* * *

><p>Annie Constance Evans-Mitarashi, called Anko by her friends, awoke with a start as her first cousin, Petunia Marigold Evans-Dursley, screamed. Anko surged up in her bed, knife in hand, a deadly <em>mamushi<em> pit viper coiling about her hand in preparation to strike any threat. The viper vanished after Anko ascertained the situation and dismissed it, placing her _kunai_ in its sheath at her side while she got dressed. When she came into the living room, she found Petunia white-faced.

"What is it, Petunia?" Anko asked.

"Lily's dead. Her brat is on the doorstep."

"Damn it, Petunia!" Anko snarled. "Leave a baby out in the cold on a November morning, why don't you?" She opened the front door, picking the screaming toddler up and bringing him inside. She looked over the letter, snorting at the idiocy of people to leave a baby, who could probably walk away if so inclined, alone on a front porch in November. Add that to the ill sleep she got last night due to the Aurora Borealis appearing and the bizarre meteor shower, and she was one very cranky ninja.

Anko had come here to live with Petunia for a month to get over Orochimaru. The bastard had used her and thrown her away like so much garbage, and she needed to get her priorities in hand. In the Hidden Lands, it would be too easy to find and slaughter her former sensei, and everyone even slightly associated to him, turning herself as evil as Orochimaru in the process.

"Well, I'm not taking him in!" Petunia cried petulantly, making Anko wonder what had happened between Lily and Petunia to cause such a massive rift.

"Fine." Anko brought Harry up to her room with her, where she sat him on the bed.

"Who you?" he asked.

"I'm your cousin. My name is Anko, and I'm going to take care of you. Please sit there while I pack."

"Where's Mummy?"

"I'm sorry, Harry, but your parents… aren't coming back," Anko replied after a pause, trying her best to not frighten the boy. He immediately started crying, and Anko sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Why was she doing this? Oh, right, for Lily, her dear cousin, who had been killed last night by a sorcerer that reminded Anko uncomfortably of Orocimaru. She dug out her first aid kit and swabbed the nasty cut on Harry's head before bandaging it with a piece of gauze and some tape. She set him in front of her snake tank, letting him watch the serpents inside. Petunia had flown into an apoplectic fit when she brought them home, but calmed down when she learned they weren't venomous. Then, the highly unexpected occurred. Harry began to talk to them, hissing in a serpentine language that the snakes froze at. Then, all of them crowded the front of the tank, apparently wanting to see him close up. Nara, a dark male, almost crawled out of the tank, shocking Anko. She had named the snake after the Nara clan, the laziest people in the Land of Fire. The snake had been extremely lazy before now, not moving unless it was to eat, shed his skin, or eliminate. She passed the snake-speech off as a Wizarding kekkei genkai, and smiled at the boy. If he could speak to snakes, maybe this wouldn't be so terrible. She decided that she was going to adopt the boy, since Petunia obviously wasn't fit to look after him, or even her own spoiled blimp of a baby. Babies had baby fat, yes, but not _that _much! "Harry," she said. "Stay here and keep the snakes company while I pack, will you?" The boy nodded, watching the snakes and talking with them. Anko dug out her suitcase and packed the clothes most useful for the Hidden Lands, and the few things she couldn't bear to part with. When her suitcase was latched, she asked Harry to ask the snakes to be calm while she put the top on the tank and carried it out to her car.

"Thank you for getting rid of those disgusting reptiles," Petunia called from the kitchen.

"I'm leaving, Petunia. You can have everything in the room that I haven't taken. I'm taking the boy with me, and we're leaving."

"Wait, hold it, you're leaving? For good? Why?"

"I need to go home. I've spent five years here, doing nothing but my job at the zoo, help you and Vernon, and ignore my past. I need to face it, get over the pain, and get back into life at home. Goodbye, Petunia." Anko hugged her cousin, brought the half-full suitcase into the car, and put Harry in the backseat, using one of Dudley's old car seats the Dursleys hadn't gotten rid of yet.

"But… how will you get there?"

"I have a good amount of money in my bank account. I'll buy some clothes for the boy before I catch a plane. Goodbye. I'm sorry this was so stressful. Say goodbye to Vernon for me, will you?"

"Of course." Anko got into the car, started it, and drove out of Surry to the London Zoo, where she worked. She brought Harry into the zoo with her, the boy looking around with bright green eyes.

"Anne, what are you doing here? We gave you the week off!"

"Sorry, Shaun. There is an emergency where I used to live, overseas. I'm afraid I won't be coming back." Shaun looked grave, and held out a hand to Harry.

"Hi, I'm Shaun Alder. What's your name, little man?"

"Harry."

"I see. Does the emergency have to do with him?"

"Yeah. I have to leave, Shaun. I would have given you my two-week notice if I could, but I had no idea this was happening."

"Alright, alright. Here. Take this." Shaun Alder dug into his pocket and produced a checkbook, writing her a note for several hundred pounds. "What's his favorite animal?"

"Snakes."

"Figures. Why don't you take him over to the gift shop?"

"I'm cutting it close on time, Shaun." The zookeeper pulled the check out of the book and handed it to her.

"Kami-sama…Thank you, Shaun. Thank you very much." Anku muttered, seeing the amount the check was for. Shaun smiled wanly.

"I wish I could have taken you on a date."

"It would have never worked, Shaun. Well, we have to go. Thank you, for everything." She hugged him, kissed his cheek, folded the check, and slipped it into her pocket.

"You're welcome, Anne. If there's anything you need, just call."

"I will." Anku and Harry left the building, Anku wondering if something was wrong with the boy. She had never known babies, especially toddlers, to be so quiet and shy. She would have a medic-nin look him over when she got to Konoha. Maybe it was the trauma of seeing his parents killed? Maybe that now-dead sorcerer had something to do with it.

* * *

><p>After taking Harry on a shopping trip to get him some decent clothes, Anko bought a plane ticket to Japan, including a good deal of promises on her part for the snakes. She eventually had to take the serpents with her in the cabin, knowing they would die in the un-insulated cargo hold.<p>

The trip was exhausting and long, with Harry sleeping in her lap most of the time, his thumb tucked in his mouth and his messy black hair partially shoved up her nose. The food was horrible, the person next to her had very poor hygiene and appalling halitosis, while the stewardess spilled some coffee on her during a stretch of turbulence, waking Harry up and causing him to scream for a good half our straight until she could get him settled again, whereupon he went back to sleep. There was a lot of confusion over the snakes, something about a movie made some years ago having to do with snakes and a plane, but as soon as Anko had them in the seat, they burrowed under the wood shavings and went to sleep, only stirring to hiss malevolently at the stewardess who caused Harry to wake up in a screaming fit.

Finally they reached Kyoto airport. Anko took the snakes, Harry, and their carryon bag out of the aircraft, located the baggage claim, and went out into the bustling city. Hailing a cab, the two humans and the snakes went to the dock, where she rented a small yacht for a day-long trip and used raw chakra flowing around the hull to power the boat towards the Hidden Lands.

They docked before nightfall in a small settlement, and she sold the boat to a local fisherman. Anko bought a small cart with a donkey and they headed on their way. If nothing slowed them down, Harry and Anko would be in the Hidden Leaf Village in less than a month.

* * *

><p>Anko sighed, picketing the donkey on the far side of the tree she, Harry and the snakes were sharing. She had long since gotten rid of the tank and the snakes used Harry to perch on more often than not. He liked talking to them, and they seemed to enjoy being with him. She skewered the fish one of her clones had caught on a couple branches and set them over the fire to cook while she set out a few rodents for the snakes. They came out of Harry's sleeves and collar, each taking one, leaving the last two, since there were more than two snakes. Anko shrugged and called forth a couple of her own snakes to stand guard, giving them the rodents.<p>

After dinner, they rolled themselves in her bedroll and slept, hearing the soft voices of the two guard-snakes talking to Harry's friends. Anko wished she had Harry's kekkei genkai of serpent-speech; it would make things a lot easier. Oh, well. She wrapped her arms around the boy she now thought of as her son, and fell into a deep sleep, content to be home at last.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: What do you think?<strong>_

_**Balrog: Hmm. I don't know; I'll leave that to the readers.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: You're being generous today. What brought this on?**_

_**Balrog: Gneiss.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: I see. You ate some gneiss and decided to be nice.**_

_**Balrog: Please review, people!**_


	3. Chapter 2

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Whoa... I have to hand it to you. I've never received this much attention for a story this short. Ever. Incredible. Thank you all.**_

_**Balrog: Huh. Well, in that case... xXSweetestXAngelXNightmareXx, Alec McDowell, Firehedgehog, and RokibaHitake, you have all won a granite, sandstone and shale sundae with gneiss sprinkles and hot mica fudge! Eat up, all of you!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: ... Thanks to those who reviewed. Those who reviewed right before I got this chapter up have earned a sundae... apparently made of rock. Thank you all, including those who didn't leave reviews, those who favorited **_**Hidden in Plain Sight**_**, and those who are following it! You are the best!**_

* * *

><p>Albus Dumbledore listened to his deputy. This was not an unusual occurance... after the Muggle candy store incident... and the problem with that Muggle Healer and his son and twin daughters... and the dead cat... Dumbledore didn't think he would ever enjoy football the same way again. Or hats. Or pez. Pez weren't supposed to send you into a week-long coma.<p>

Anyways, the thing was he was listening to her. She had told him that the Dursleys were incaepable of loving anythng Magical, so he tied the Blood Wards to a series of Protection wards powerful enough to make a Pharaoh's tomb look like a child's playpen. The problem was, the strength of the Protection Wards was connected directly to the Blood Wards, so the stronger the Blood Wards, the stronger the Protection Wards. The way Blood Wards worked, unfortunately, was they tied themselves to the first person from the family the Blood Wards were keyed to that touched him.

Suddenly, the instrument tied to the strength of the Blood Wards shrieked. With the hatred Petunia showed, the gyroscope-like instrument should have spun lazily, if it had any perceptable movement at all. Instead, it was glowing a brilliant blue-white, spinning out of control.

Without warning, it came apart, flinging shrapnel around with incredible power. Dumbledore took refuge under his desk. Fawkes gave an indignant squawk and vanished in a burst of flame before the flying metal could reach the majestic bird. The portraits were yelping and hiding behind their frames. The power being poured from the Wards to the instrument transferred itself to the very air, making the atmosphere within the office feel like the inside of a thunderstorm. The scent of ozone filled the air, and another instrument, the one monitoring the sanity of the Minister of Magic, blew up in a poof of acrid smoke, transforming into a phoenix fledgeling, but not Fawkes, that immediately took cover with the baffled Headmaster. Dumbledore's Pensive was glowing an eerie blue-white and shooting off bolts of lightning while making a sound like birds chirping. The instrument that measured the health of the current Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor began giving off ominous energy, the magic flowing every which way with incredible power while still contained within the area the instrument had been in and began scorching the desk it was on before it blew up in an outward spiral, blasting a hole in the tower as it went. Spectral arms reached out and grabbed Dillis Derrywent's portrait, pulling the former Headmaster kicking and screaming into the frame before it grasped with one hand and sliced Professor Derrywent from the picture with a long knife, leaving a gash in the painting. Shadows lengthened to grip the desk, shredding it like a Muggle woodchipper. A high wind blew through the office, swirling bits and pieces of Dumbledore's effects everywhere before raining down in a hail of various weaponry. A small hand-held knife with a looped pommel slashed through Dumbledore's arm, cuttig to the bone before healing itself. The small hatchling in the Headmaster's hands spontainiously combusted before poking a wrinled head out of the ashes now decorating Dumbledore's robes. When he gathered his scattered wits about himself, Dumbledore saw an opening. He flung himself towards the office door, carrying the infant phoenix and dodging shrapnel of varous materials. He managed to get onto the staircase as the portrait of Phineas Negillus went up in a burst of fire.

He landed on the third floor, nearly running into a gaggle of First Years, who were looking traumatized as they watched the gargoyle change colors and materials before erupting into pure sand.

"Professor?" young Bill Weasley asked, watching the Headmaster careen around a corner and go flying towards the Transfiguration classroom. Other students dodged out of Dumbledore's way as he scampered down the hallway, his robes hitched above his knees with one hand and a baby phoenix cradled in the other. He skidded to a stop, let his robes drop, and barged into Professor McGonagall's classroom, startling her students.

"Sorry, children, but could I borrow your professor?" McGonagall walked out, and asked Dumbledore what he was doing.

"What happened to Fawkes?"

"This isn't Fawkes. And my office is a shambles, not to mention the Ward-monitor was overpowered and exploded, causing my other instruments to explode. Last I saw, a hurricane is taking my office apart, I have a large hole in my wall, my Pensive may have exploded, Phineas is up in flames, and I have no idea what happened to Dillis."

"Oh, dear."

"We have to see to Harry immediately."

"I suppose we do. Alright." McGonagall poked her head back into the classroom to dismiss the students early, hit the blackboard with a spell to write that all Transfiguration classes were cancelled for the day, and left with Dumbledore out to the edge of the Wards, where they Apparated to Surry.

* * *

><p>"Get away," Petunia hissed to the two Professors. "He isn't here. My cousin Anne took him." She slammed the door in their faces, and they looked at each other. This wasn't good.<p>

* * *

><p>Anko kept her eyes firmly closed. She was in Surry, England, living with her cousin Petunia. She was not on a mssion, back home in the Hidden Lands, as she had dreamed. She was still in this... wait, England didn't smell like pine forests. She snapped open her eyes, gasping in recognition. She was home! Finally! After so much time! She listened to the birds chirping, a sound she hadn't heard since before she left the Hidden Lands. She stretched, breathing in the unique scent of home, feeling the closeness of where she was born and raised seep into her very bones. It was intoxicating, being home. Finally. She could stop riding in those wretched vehicles, stop breathing the polluted air, stop using English. Here, people would know what she was, not ignore her in favor of penned up animals. She wouldn't have to evade flying cereal launched by Dudley Dursley. She scrambled out of her bedroll and lifted a now-awake Harry into the air with exhuberence, swinging him around. He laughed before looking at her with solemn green eyes. She kissed his forehead and set him on the ground before packing up. When everything was up, the snakes having slithered close to Harry and were wrapped around his neck at that point, she picked up her gear, swung it onto her back, and lifted Harry before enthusiastically leaping into a tree and jumping from branch to branch, excercizing her chakra. It felt good, like walking around after a three-day stay in a hospital bed. Or, perhaps more accurately, running after a decade-long coma.<p>

She ran up the last rise, wondering what had happened. The older trees were all splintered. The growth was maybe half a decade long, at the most. Gouges were torn through the ground. She remembered seeing a strange valley with a pair of new statues between the Land of Rice Patties and the Land of Fire.

Then, she was past the gates. The four Hokage's faces were the first thing she saw. Then, she saw other things. The houses all looked new, so new that they couldn't have been there more than five years. Familiar buildings were gone. She had come to Konoha right after being betrayed by Orochimaru and spoke with Namikaze-sama, the Hokage, and arranged to leave the Hidden Lands for a while to regain her mental, physical and spiritual equilibrium.

Anko yanked her mind out of the past and headed to the Hokage tower. Maybe Namikaze-sama could help her understand what had happened.

When she got to the tower, she noticed people looking oddly at her. A young boy, probably a Gennin, ran past, both cheeks and the bridge of his nose deeply scarred. It looked like some animal had caught him across the face with a long claw.

"Iruka! Wait up!" a white haired boy called. The scarred boy laughed and put on a burst of speed, both of them laughing.

Anko went up the steps, thinking hard about what had happened. Something devestating, that was certain. Then, she was in the Tower.

"Hello?" she asked. The face that greeted her caused her to drop her bags in shock. Sarutobi was the Hokage, not Namikaze. This made no sense. "S-Sarutobi-sama?" she asked.

"Mitarashi-san?" he asked, dropping some paperwork. "I had wondered where you had gone! Namikaze-kun didn't tell us anything. None of us knew where you had gone. All we knew was that you had been closeted with Namikaze-kun for a couple hours and you left! Are you alright?"

"I was Outside, getting my thoughts together. I was a mess. Where's Namikaze-sama? What happened?"

"The Fox is what happened. Six months after you left, we were attacked by a nine-tailed kyubi-kitsune. It destroyed Konoha, killed many of our best people. Namikazi-kun stopped it... by sealing it in his own son and sacrificing himself in the process."

"Kami-sama..." Anko whispered. "Damn. I leave and everything falls apart." Harry took that time to whimper. "This is my cousin, Harry. He's from Outside, and will be living with me. His parents are dead and no one seems to want him aside from me." She dried her tears in Harry's shirt, holding him close. The boy hugged her, and she felt the snakes move under his shirt.

"I understand. Please, make yourself at home here." There was an almighty crash, and Sarutobi and Anko turned to find a blonde-haired whirlwind flying through the window. The Hokage monument didn't look the same... it had been painted in flourescent colors. Anko blinked. She had never seen anyone with so much nerve!

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Sarutobi scolded. Anko scooped him up on habit, lay him across her lap, and swatted his rear a couple times, glaring at the boy for good measure. She had swatted Dudley several times, but only when the brat did something he knew he shouldn't do, such as fling cereal on the walls, urinate in the living room without a nappy on, kick and scream until he was hoarse. Hopefully, while Naruto grew up, he wouldn't need correction with a two-by-four.

"What were you thinking, you little brat? Where are your parents?"

"Don't got none," he replied, rubbing his rear. She looked at Sarutobi. The blonde hair was familiar, as were the intense blue eyes.

"Is he who I think he is?" she asked.

"Yes. He lives at the orphanage now."

"You're kidding me," she replied. "Uzumaki Naruto, huh? Well, you're living with me from now on. Hold Harry." She put the toddler in Namikazi-Sama's son's arms, and he and her cousin looked at each other for a good few minutes. Sarutobi smiled.

"You two will be good for each other."

"Kid, no painting anything in my house unless I give you _explicit_ permission. Got that?" She smacked him on the rear once more for emphasis. He yelped and looked up at her, the blue eyes questioning. "I just adopted you. I know what it's like to be in the orphanage."

"I remember. You looked up to Orochimaru after he became your sensei."

"He was like a father to me. And he threw me away like trash." Anko's fists clenched, and she only unclenched them when she felt blood dripping off of her hands to examine her palms and lick them clean, closing the four cresent-shaped wounds in each palm as she did so. Harry whimpered, and Naruto set the toddler down only for the younger boy to walk over and cling to Anko's legs.

After Sarutobi told Anko where an unused home was, she picked up the heaviest things, handed one of the lighter bags to Naruto, picked up Harry and the three set off.

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"Why what? Why am I adopting you?"

"Yeah."

"You remind me of myself. Come on, hurry up." She walked down the street, finding the empty home, and entered it with the key the Sarutobi-sama gave her. How he ended up with keys for the unused homes in Konoha was a mystery. She dropped the bags, heading over to the kitchen to wash it and make fresh-caught fish and rabbit meat skewers for lunch.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telconar: How was that?<strong>_

_**Balrog: Not bad.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Extra-long chapter for all the reviewers! I think I'm intoxicated on reviews...**_

_**Balrog: (Confused shrug) Please review! Especially if you want a virtual rock sundae! I still have the makings for many more!**_


	4. Chapter 3

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Whoa... I'm flattered! Thank you, everyone!**_

_**Balrog: I ran out of rock sundaes! Sorry, I can't give all the reviewers one, but Celebwen answered everyone! I hope you like that as much as a rock sundae.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Here's the next installment.**_

* * *

><p>"Point me: Anne Constance Evans." The command was an old one, having been used countless times over the last three years. Dumbledore had his wand on his palm, and it rotated slowly in a full 360 degrees before stopping halfway through a second spin, as though it had run out of energy. "Point me: Harry James Potter." The same result. "Damn!" The wand sent off a jet of light like a Muggle road flare. He glared at the wand. The phoenix that had appeared in the maelstrom in his office squawked.<p>

"You won't get anything that way, Bee-boy!"

He ignored the annoying phoenix. The younger bird, now named Irritant, was getting on his nerves. And who ever heard of a phoenix that could speak English? Of course, when it had appeared, it had started speaking some variant of Japanese, about as close to Japanese as Romanian was to Canadian French.

"Shut up yourself, Bee-boy." Irritant had a habit of insulting hm and calling him Bee-brain, probably a pun on his surname. "You got any persimmons? I'll take them dried or fresh! I prefer them dried, like the dead blonde does, though." Dumbledore ignored him, continuing to try finding Harry. Why wasn't this working? "Pomegranate seeds?" This was annoying! He specifically put a Blood Ward around Harry, tying it to enough Protection Wards to make a goblin blanch! And he _still_ couldn't find him! "Strawberries?" Dumbledore cursed roundly, causing his wand to erupt into a spectacular light show. That was funny, usually the Elder Wand didn't react to profanity. "Blueberries, even?" He looked at the wand, eyeing it for any damage. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes!" The tune was off-key, grating, more of a squawk than a tune, and highly irritating. It had the exact opposite effect phoenix song normally had; it made Dumbledore want to strangle the younger phoenx. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes!"

"Trixie, get some fruit for the bird."

"Hey! A response! I finally got you to respond!" A box of partially-frozen fruit appeared on the desk next to the chair Fawkes was perched on, where Irritant dove in and started eating. "Mmm! Oranges! Lemons! Limes! Mmm-mmm! Delicious! Thanks, Bee-brain!" The bird continued to stuff itself, Fawkes delicately sampling a piece of fruit or two, usually watermelon or grapes. A small dish of what looked like shriveled red leather appeared, and the younger bird flew towards it. _"Dried persimmons! _Thanks, Bee-brain! You're the best!" It continued to eat the dehydrated fruit, making very satisfied sounds and causing Fawkes to look rather confused at it. "I'll have to thank you. I know! I'll set you up on a blind date! I know just the person you'd be attracted to!" Fawkes squawked indignantly, and Dumbledore ignored the annoying phoenix. "I'll be right back!" Irritant vanished in a puff of smoke, and the Headmaster finally relaxed. He had no _idea_ phoenix young phoenixes could be so... _irritating_. Fawkes looked at him with a pitying stare before singing a few bars of soothing music, easing Dumbledore's nerves considerably. The Headmaster slumped into a chair, letting his head fall back. He hadn't gotten much sleep at all in the past three years, mostly due to that irritating bird. He had tried Silencing him, but it didn't take. He tried leaving the room, but Irritant simply followed it. He tried using a Silencing charm on his own ears, but the charm was overcome by the bird's innate magic. His last thought before he slipped into blissful unconsciousness was that his old office really needed to be repaired.

* * *

><p>Dumbledore needed a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Again. He also needed a new Muggle Studies teacher, since Albert Tesla retired last year. That, and he needed to renew the wards around his former office's entrance... lately strange things kept seeping out of that corridor, including a physicist that tended to leave straw everywhere and a mounted Dementor with a pumpkin for a head. The Dementor was now chasing the violet winged singing cyclops that had eaten the last DADA professor. All but the head... which had turned up on the Dementor's neck before being Banished by Professor Flitwick only to be replaced by the customary pumpkin. Dumbledore had contacted the Department for the Reulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and three of their agents were trying to coral the bizarre life forms that had infiltrated the castle.<p>

"What do you know about Muggles, Mr. Quirrel?" Dumbledore asked. The bald candidate smiled charmingly.

"I know quite a bit. My parents were Squibs, so I was raised in the Muggle world. My mother was Lucinda Black, and my father was Septimus Quirrel."

"I see. Well, in that case, you're hired. Now, Mr. Dascombe, you're hired."

"What... but you didn't ask me any questions!"

"We have so few people offer to take the position that we need anyone we can get."

"A-alright."

"Please be here for the Start of Term Feast."

"Er... yes, Headmaster."

"Thank you, Headmaster. You won't be disappointed!" The two left the room.

"Useless! Utterly useless!" Irritant crowed. Dumbledore sighed. Irritant was fast becoming the least-irritating thing that originated in his former office. "I know! I'll sing a song! I know a song that-"

"Shut up!"

"Fine! This is the song that never ends-"

"SHUT UP!"

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts-"

"SILENCIO!"

"It's a small wor-"

"GAAAH!"

"Hahahaha!"

* * *

><p>When the First Years were lining up to be sorted, the upper years were silent, knowing something interesting was going to happen, as always did on the first day back. Irritant soared in, caroling the never-ending song. He dodged spells of all kinds to take up his customary place on Dumbledore's head before reaching over and pecking the DADA teacher firmly on the head. He did this every year, so the staff only sighed in annoyance, Snape having brought earplugs.<p>

Suddenly, Irritant leapt off of Dumbledore's head, circled the Great Hall three times, and screamed: "Vengeance is mine! Comes the Avenger!" before loosing his bowels right over Quirrel. The new Muggle Studies teacher was _not _impressed, judging by the flurry of malignant green lights that rocketed for the culprit. Irritant squawked and vanished in a burst of smoke, only to reappear centimeters from Quirrel's nose and blow a raspberry at the infuriated teacher. Another green curse went flying, this one impacting the Great Hall doors and sending them flying as no more than burning cinders and molten metal. Dumbledore knocked Quirrel out and had McGonagall take over the Feast as he contacted Magical Law Enforcement. Irritant laughed and landed between two red-headed First Years, one foot on each boy's shoulder.

* * *

><p>What was worse than a hyperactive eight-year-old ninja-in-training? A hyperactive eight-year-old ninja-in-training who could Summon kitsune. Naruto had watched Anko Summon a snake to watch Harry one day. Of course, Naruto was supposed to have been at the accadamy, but that didn't put the blonde prankster off. Naruto tried the Summoning on his own, and ended up with the most appropriate animal for him. A kitsune who happened to adore pranks. Now Shikkou, the wolf-sized fox, was a permanent member of the small family, often helping joining in on the pranks and Naruto was now on the Fox Contract.<p>

Naruto was able to control his chakra a lot easier now that Anko had removed the five-pronged-seal Orochimaru had used on the hyperactive child, and now he was leaps and bounds ahead of his peers. His best techniques were shadow-clones and transformations, especially ones that were likely to get him out of trouble. But what was most surprising was that Naruto had forged a deep bond with the young Inuzuka boy, Kiba, after Shikkou and Naruto chased away a tiger and her cubs from a bitch and her recently-whelped pups. To the Inuzuka Clan, if someone saved a dog, much less a whelping bitch, it was cause for informal adoption. One of the puppies had taken to Shikkou and followed him and Naruto around, usually seated on the fox's back. Her name was Benihime, and she was a very pretty cream with brown ears, paws and tail. One of her siblings, a male named Akamaru, had taken to Kiba, and was often seen riding on the young Inuzuka's head.

On the other side was Harry. He was able to Summon snakes without a Contract; once a deadly black mamba from Africa to scare away a marauding Missing Ninja from the Grasslands, and once, on one highly memorable occasion, Manda, the Chief Serpent. He was about to eat Harry when the younger boy spoke in the snake language to him. Anko chuckled at the memory of Manda's face. She hadn't known a snake's jaw could drop open that far. Manda had promptly ordered Anko to keep Harry safe and had all but adopted him, leaving Adder, one of Manda's younger children, to permanently watch over Harry.

Anko was pretty sure Harry's Contract-less Summoning was a combination of his budding magical powers and his chakra. All she knew about magic was from the letter that Dumbledore person left with Harry and that when he was eleven he could be invited to some magical boarding school, Pig Snout, or something along those lines. By then, Naruto would be sixteen, and could look out for himself or be on a mission when Anko took Harry to London so he could go to school.

"Mommy?" a voice called. Four-year-old Harry came running in, holding his blue security blanket in one hand, his thumb tucked into his mouth, and a red, black and yellow banded snake curled about his neck. He latched onto her legs, trying to hide behind her. Anko's younger son had become clingy and refused to be without her, often screaming himself hoarse if she left for more than two minutes. He had a security blanket and a number of snakes to look after him, and after a trip to the hospital for a broken leg, Harry wouldn't go anywhere near town. One of the snakes informed Harry that the green chakra collecting on the medical-nin's hands scared the boy witless.

"Harry, what is it?" Anko asked, crouching down so she could see her son's face. He didn't say anything, just clung to her with the strength of a boa constrictor, sobbing into her neck. He didn't bother with words, just sought comfort from her, the coral snake hissing gently in his ear.

This had happened routinely, usually on stormy nights and when Harry had nightmares. He still slept with her, clinging to her through the night. Not that she hadn't tried to give him his own room, but he kept climbing back into her bed after she fell asleep, usually with a snake or two with him. The colorful snake, Coral, was the most common nightly visitor.

"It's the green light nightmare, Anko," Coral said, curling her tail around Anko's wrist. The snake was a Summon, and thus could speak the Human languages. "Also, something happened last night. It smells like fear, loneliness, and... betrayal. It's coming from the West." Anko trusted Coral's instincts and senses better than anyone's, even an Inuzuka clan member's. Whatever happened was not normal.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: What do you think of the chapter?<strong>_

_**Balrog: (wheezing) Hilarious! I love Irritant!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: (Looks at Balrog strangely)**_

_**Irritant: Review! Review! Review! Or I will sing!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: No! Anything but that!**_

_**Irritant: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, here they are all standing in a row! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! Oh, I never would have had to do this with McBeth!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Great, you're messing with the Lion King. Uh oh... I know what comes next...**_

_**Irritant: It's a small world, after all!**_

_**Balrog: (Can't stop laughing and finally rolls into curtain, setting it ablaze)**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Gaah!**_


	5. Chapter 4

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Wow. I have never gotten such a response from a story before. I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations!**_

_**Balrog: Uh... That's... Whoa... A lot of people.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: You said it, Balrog. Thank you so much, everyone! And please review!**_

* * *

><p>"Hey California Poppy!" The voice caused the Healer to look up quickly. Irritant was sitting on the rail of a bed, wings mantled. On the bed was a black-garbed-and-haired figure, deathly pale and looking terribly worn. His garments were tattered and bloodstained; a mask in the likeness of a stylized weasel was on the bedside table. His breathing was labored and shallow, and Pomphrey rushed to his side.<p>

"The blood's not his," she said, running her wand over him. "His body's fine, some muscle strain, a bit of bruising, nothing much. I healed it just now. His mind, though. That's a mess. I think he's been held under the Imperius Curse for a few years."

"I noticed," Irritant said, his voice sarcastic. "And not quite the Imperius Curse, but a form of mind-and-body-control only a direct blood-relative can perform, and with debilitating side effects, including severe brain damage and/or encephalitis. Fawkes!" The Headmaster's phoenix was unable to hear Irritant or decided to ignore him. "Fawkes, you chicken-brained goose-necked pyromaniac! Get your tailfeathers over here!" Still no response at all. "Voldemort's spirit is in Parliament, so you need to blow it up!" Pomphrey looked at the insane bird, wondering where _that _came from. It was Guy Fawkes who tried... Ah. A pun on Fawkes' name. Of course. "Damn and blast! Let me try something. Just a moment; I hate doing this, it's so damned cliché." He made a noise like a person clearing their throat and Pomphrey covered her ears. More of his inane warbling, no doubt.

But the noise that issued from the annoying phoenix was nothing but heavenly. It sounded like a chorus of angels singing, and Pomphrey could feel the power of the phoenix song pulsating through her body. It smelled like the air after a rain, looked like a thousand rainbows, and tasted like the clearest, purest water. It rejuvenated her, making her feel newly reborn, and she had to sit down before she collapsed.

When Irritant stopped singing for a moment to cough and clear his throat again, Pomphrey looked at him closely. "So you are a phoenix, after all, and not a raven in disguise."

"Of course I'm a phoenix, you opium-named daughter of Hippocrates!" Irritant hissed, his voice low.

"I am _not _named after opium!" Pomphrey snapped in reply.

"Shut up, keep your voice down, do you want him to wake up?"

"No, of course not!" Pomphrey whispered fiercely.

"Then shut up! He's my Familiar, like Bee-brain is Fawkes' Familiar." Then, the annoying phoenix began to sing the angelic music again, and all Pomphrey could do was listen. "Wait, hold on. Can you record a sound and play it in a feedback loop?"

"A what?"

"Play it continuously."

"I can't, Fillius might be able to, though."

"Get him. I hate this." Irritant resumed the phoenix song, and, when Pomphrey couldn't leave due to the music, Irritant stopped singing, flew over to the mediwitch, grasped her hair in his talons and flashed to the Charms classroom, where he dumped her unceremoniusly in the middle of a class trying to Summon and Banish pillows. She landed right on top of a gaggle of Fourth Years, breaking a couple bones and making numerous bruises in the process.

"Damned bird!" she snarled. A student helped her up, helping her to cradle one arm where it had a compound fracture. The pain was making her slightly wobbly, and she looked at Fillius. "Damned bird didn't let me grab my wand. Fillius, I need you in the hospital wing." Fillius shot an Episky across the room, pulling Pomphrey's bone back into place and wrapping it in bandages, doing the same for the students with broken bones, and the group of them filed to the hospital wing, where they found Irritant singing.

"Thank you, Moneybags!" Irritant whispered as he stopped singing. "Create a feedback loop with my voice, will you?"

"Who's this?" Flitwick asked.

"My Familiar. Now create the loop!" Irritant's voice was now raspy, as though he had contracted laryngitis.

"Yes, yes," Flitwick replied, recording some of Irritant's singing and making it play from the wall right above the newcomer's bed. After a short time, the music stopped for a split second and started from the beginning. Flitwick then created a large bubble around Irritant's Familiar, keeping the phoenix song inside so Pomphrey could work without collapsing into a near-euphoric trance.

"Tiz," the annoying phoenix croaked. A house-elf appeared, wiping her hands on her toga-like towel.

"Whats is it yous want, Funny Phoenix, Sir?"

"A bowl of willow and cherry bark tea and a bowl of fresh persimmons, pitted cherries, unsweetened cranberries, and peeled, segmented Mandarin oranges and a bowl of dried persimmons," Irritant ordered as Pomphrey fixed her arm and the student's injuries. The mediwitch knew better than to ask him for tears, since the last tears he supplied acted like a highly corrosive acid.

"Yes, Funny Phoenix, Sir, right away, Funny Phoenix, Sir."

"Thanks." The house-elf left with a pop, soon returning with a steaming bowl of some brownish-red liquid that smelled vile and a bowl heaping with fresh fruit and another filled with dried persimmons. Irritant dipped his beak into the brown solution, tossing his neck back time and again, making retching and gagging sounds. Once it was all gone, he began eating the fruit, taking a lot longer over it, holding a persimmon in his mouth and pulping it with his beak and tongue until it was pure liquid before swallowing it to get the taste of the tea out of his mouth.

"Why do you need to drink that?" Pomphrey asked the bird.

"Simple. I'm a Discord Phoenix."

"A what?" Pomphrey asked, staring at Irritant.

"A Discord Phoenix. Don't tell me you don't know. You don't, do you? Alright. There are two types of phoeni, Harmony and Discord. I can't Heal people aside from my Familiar, but I can kill. Only one of my tears in a village well is powerful enough to create a plague for a good five hundred square miles; one of my father's tears created the Black Death during the Hundred Years War. My natural song would bring an army to their knees in pain, and my great-grandmother's song inspired Paris to kidnap Helen."

* * *

><p>"Sarutobi-sama," Anko said, sighing in resignation. <em>Why<em> was she doing this? It made no sense! Oh, right, because it felt _right!_ That _had _to be the most _annoying_ feeling in the _universe_!

"Yes, Mitarishi-san?"

"I'll take the boy in."

"You what? He'll be fine!"

"It's not like I get eight hours of sleep in a night anyways. Another nightmare-riddled kid is going to fit _right_ in."

"Thank you, Mitarashi-san."

"Kami help me. I'm going to need it." Sarutobi-Hokage just laughed. Anko planted her forehead in her palm.

When she got home, the first thing she saw was a multi-colored streak arrowing across the ground for her. She knelt to allow Coral to crawl to her neck.

"Harry's been staring out the window all since you were gone until Manda came," Coral said softly, gently wrapping her tail around Anko's neck. "The new boy had a nightmare; it sounded like he saw what happened to his family. Diamondback tried to comfort him, but only ended up scaring him."

"Holy shit! Manda's here?" Anko sped through the house, ignoring the rattlesnake curled on the chair that was looking morosely at the boy wrapped in a dark blue fleece blanket so tightly she could only see his terrified brown eyes and untidy black hair. Anko had dressed the wound on the boy's arm the night before, and slept with the newly orphaned Uchiha Sasuke in her arms, Harry snuggled against her back. "Sasuke-kun?" she asked, after glancing meaningfully between the rattlesnake and the door until the deadly desert viper left the house.

"Don't call me by my personal name," Sasuke told her coldly.

"Alright, Uchiha-kun. How are you feeling?"

"Dono. Or sama. Let me go home."

"You have to stay here for a while, Uchiha-kun."

"Don't call me that! Use dono!"

"You'll have to get used to it at some point, Uchiha-kun. I won't call any of my family members by impersonal names. Harry is Harry-chan or Midori-me-chan. Naruto is Naru-chan. Or sometimes Ramen-brain. That's all he eats. Midori-me-chan and I try to get vegetables into him sometimes. Do you want some dango, or maybe some tayaki?" Sasuke shook his head. "Alright. I'll be back in, I have to talk to someone. Do you want to come with me?" He shook his head again, and Anko stood and left, subtly making sure one of the snakes, Cottonmouth, was watching over him from the mantle. Benihime, the puppy Naruto had saved, whined and left her fleece bed to curl up next to Sasuke before climing into the black-haired boy's lap. Benihime was shoved out, and she landed face-first on the rug before climbing back up into Sasuke's lap.

"We're not family," Sasuke snapped, shoving the puppy away again. She whined, pawing his leg, until Anko picked her up and absently put her on her shoulder.

"I'm not Harry's birth mother, nor am I Naruto's. Both call me 'Mom' though. You can call me Anko-san or Mitarishi-san."

"I'm not living here! You're not my mother!" Sasuke snarled. He fought his way out of the blanket and fled the house, Benihime whimpering after he left. Anko sighed in defeat. She had no idea how to deal with a hurting child; the closest she got was Harry, and he was constantly clingy not shoving her away! She put the small dog on the floor and went outside to where Sasuke had ran, finding him cowering beside the building and staring at Manda and Harry. The younger boy was hissing, Manda hissing in reply, the massive Chief Serpent eying Sasuke.

"Anko," the giant snake said, his voice a bellow from his sheer size. "Harry has informed me that you are taking this hatchling in as well. I will speak with him. Boy, can you talk?"

"Uh... y-yes," Sasuke stuttered, eyes on the snake.

"Good; I will speak with you in a few months, after you are well again. Stay with Anko, she is a good woman and she cares for my human hatchling as her own. Anko, your former sensei attempted to Summon me. I refused, and will no longer answer him, nor will my kin. He may come seeking you, so be on your guard. Farewell, children." Manda bowed his giant head and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Well, come on. Uchiha-san. What do you want to eat?" Harry crawled up her back and snuggled against her shoulderblade, sighing contentedly as he tucked his thumb into his mouth. The terrified Uchiha shook as he saw Coral poke her head over Anko's shoulder.

"Good thinking, Anko. Lad, can you pick vegetables?" Sasuke shook his head violently, his face going even whiter when the snake talked directly to him. "Poor thing. Give him something to do and let him come to terms with what happened. Naru-kun needs a lot of vegetables for the ramen he's making." Anko chuckled; it was a family game to see how many vegetables Naruto could be tricked into eating.

"I see. Come eat some food. Did you have any dinner last night?" Sasuke shook his head. Getting the boy to talk was going to be like pulling teeth. Getting the boy to live with the other two boys without retreating into a sulk was going to be even worse, especially with Harry still being terrified of storms, loud noises and sudden bright lights.

She picked Sasuke up and carried the petrified boy inside, then he finally spoke.

"Put me down, damn it! I'm eight, not three! I don't want to be here! Let me go home! Why am I here in the first place, with those creepy snakes, the brat and the outcast?"

"Shut up!" Harry snapped.

"Harry, be nice," Coral admonished.

"He ins-insu-insulated Mom!"

"It's insulted," Coral said, sounding as if she was trying not to laugh. It seemed as though Harry had become a bit more mature since the night before. Maybe it was sharing his bed with two people, or maybe because of Anko having another child to look after, or it could have been something Manda said to Harry. Whatever it was, Anko was thankful. Maybe a playmate would bring him out even further. She had just the playmate in mind for her youngest son.

She walked into the kitchen to find Naruto pouring boiling water over three bowls of dried ramen, spilling it all over the counter in the process. She waited for Naruto to finish pouring, knowing from experience not to interrupt him unless she wanted to deal with the boy burning himself by accident, and got out a few tayaki and a few dango along with some sweet red bean paste. When she turned to set the food on the table, she found Sasuke had fled the house.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: What do you think of this?<strong>_

_**Balrog: I really like Irritant now! He's cool! Who's his Familiar?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Uh-huh. Why did I expect this reaction? And you'll see.**_

_**Balrog: I like how the family's growing.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Thanks. Please review, people! I had some trouble with this chapter; Manda was very difficult to write. I hope he's not too OOC.**_


	6. Chapter 5

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Another chapter! Yay!**_

_**Balrog: And more about Irritant! He's hilarious!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Please review! And thanks to WhiteElfElder, who pointed out a mistake. It has been three years, not five, since Anko adopted Harry and Naruto.**_

* * *

><p>"You... your great-grandmother started the Trojan War?" Flitwick squeaked. One of the injured Ravenclaws gasped.<p>

"Ten years of fighting, war, and death, because of your grandma!"

"Well, yeah," Irritant replied. He craned his neck around to look at the bubble before pecking another grape from the bowl and squashing it, sending juice everywhere. One of the Hufflepuffs winced as juice sprayed her face. She wiped her cheek with her sleeve and moved behind a couple burly Ravenclaws. "Also, Granny Eris took a leak in a cup Odysseus was drinking from." A couple students turned pale and the Ravenclaw who was angry at Eris for starting the Trojan War looked repulsed.

"So let me get this straight. The Greek Goddess Eris, Goddess of Discord and Strife, was your great-grandmother. She created the Apple of Discord-"

"You've got it all wrong! Idiots ran the press then and still do today! It wasn't an apple! She sang over Greece when Paris was there."

"Whatever, and after the war, pissed in Odysseus drink. Why?"

"Granny Eris loved Troy. She had been raised there, and Granny Tiamat lived near there all her life."

"And that's how Odysseus got lost?"

"Yep. The only reason he ever got home was Athena."

"Was she a Phoenix, too?" Flitwick asked.

"Right in one, Moneybags! She was a Harmony Phoenix."

"This is not story hour," Pomphrey said after Irritant looked sharply at her and the bubble. "I have an injured patient. Go on, finish your class!"

"Why does he call you 'Moneybags', Professor?" the Ravenclaw knowledgeable in Greek mythology asked.

"I'm part Goblin, and Goblins control our economy. It makes sense to him."

"Of course. I should have known. What does he call Madame Pomphrey?"

"Opium-poppy! My Familiar needs your help!" Irritant squawked, answering the Ravenclaw's question.

"I see."

* * *

><p>The man under the bubble moaned slightly. Irritant jumped to the edge of the bed from his perch on the back of a chair, looking intently at the bubble. It would allow noise, aside from the Harmony Phoenix Song, out of it but not allow noise in, so the man probably had no idea where he was or that he wasn't alone. The bubble also canceled out the light, so it would have to be taken down for him to see anything. The Discord Phoenix stepped from foot to foot rapidly, leaving deep tears in the sheets that Pomphrey shook her head over.<p>

"He's back asleep, Irritant," the Mediwitch said. "He only awoke for a second. He's coming out of the coma, though."

"Good. I don't want him to die."

"Obviously not. Just because you're a Discord Phoenix doesn't mean you don't feel anxiety or loss." Pomphrey stroked his feathers after shooting a disinfecting spell at Irritant.

"Hey! Don't do that! It messes up my immune system!" he squawked, beginning to preen himself, undoubtedly spreading germs throughout his feathers. She remembered how many times someone had stroked him right before eating, touching their face, or shaking hands, and shuddered, trying to overcome her gag reflex. He pulled a loose feather out of one of his wings, tossing it on the floor where Pomphrey incinerated it on contact. She could almost smell the sickening stench of rotting meat from the plague pits the Medieval Britons had used as mass graves. "I keep myself from getting anyone sick, California-Opium-Poppy," Irritant said, watching her turn green after burning one of his feathers. "I'm bred. I know! Ooooh, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes! This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll be singing it forever just because there are 99999 bottles of sake on the wall, 99999 bottles of sake, you take one down, pass it around, 99998 bottles of sake on the wall!" Pomphrey arranged a set of silenced screens around him, to no avail. "999985 bottles of sake on the wall..." She finally stuffed some cotton in her ears to block out the sound. Professor Sprout's earmuffs for the Mandrakes had been very popular for a few days, until everyone found out that they did nothing to block out Irritant's singing. A pair of First Years, Arthur and Molly Weasley's twins, had started a Gryffindor choir, singing bawdy songs in contrast to the repetitive and annoying ones Irritant sang. Peeves found it hilarious, and often farted accompaniment to one or the other.

Finally, after a good four hours, the phoenix got to the end of the sake bottles on the wall. And promptly started counting in the negative.

* * *

><p>"I've had <em>enough<em> of that damned bird!" Pomphrey complained at dinner.

"What did our resident headache do now?" McGonagall asked, concentrating on her bangers and mash.

"He's a Discord Phoenix, apparently. Frankly, I'm surprised we're not all dead yet."

"A what?" Dumbledore asked.

"A Discord Phoenix. His father apparently dropped a tear in a well, causing the Medieval outbreak of _ysernia pestes_!"

"What's that?" Sprout asked, a forkful of brussels sprouts halfway to her mouth.

"Bubonic plague, the Black Death, the Black Plague. What's more, his ancestress sang over Greece, causing Paris to kidnap Helen and start the Trojan War, then _urinated _in Odysseus' wine, causing him to get hopelessly lost for twenty years! My disinfectant spell compromised his immune system!"

"Did you have to mention this at dinner, Poppy?" Babbling asked, pushing away her plate of haggis. All the professors looked a bit green, aside from Snape, who was listening intently.

"I wonder what Irritant's tears instead of Fawkes' would do to a potion?" he mused aloud. "Or ash, feathers, blood or song!"

"You're sick," Vector commented, holding a napkin to her face.

"I wonder what would happen with Discord Phoenix song instead of Nundu breath in a potion? Irritant!" Snape called. The Discord Phoenix flamed, with black fire instead of Fawkes' red, over the Potions Master.

"Yes, Bruce?"

"Can you help me with some potions later?"

"Hmmm... What's in it for me?" Irritant swooped down, stealing a piece of fruit off of Vector's plate, causing the Arithmancy professor to run from the Great Hall, napkin still pressed tightly to her mouth. The students were now staring at the High Table, all of them silent.

"What would you like?"

"Hmmm... do you have any yew berries?"

"I might be able to find some. Dried or fresh, and with or without the seeds?"

"Fresh, and with the seeds, please! Mmm-mmm!" Irritant launched himself off of the table, causing five of the Professors to hit him with Disinfectant charms. The phoenix croaked in annoyance and flamed off, probably to preen the poison back into his feathers.

* * *

><p>A snake slid into the room, lifting its head when it saw Harry. He hissed at it, and it replied in kind until Harry smiled and waved at it. It reared up and tasted the air, hissing more at Harry, who smiled delightedly and hissed back before the snake slid off.<p>

"He's at Oo-kee-a home," Harry translated. Anko sighed, annoyed. Of _course_ Sasuke would return there. It wasn't as if the investigators _needed _all the space. It wasn't as if they couldn't work around a surly, uncooperative eight-year-old.

"Where's Cottonmouth?" Anko asked.

"Followed him."

"Ah. So that's how the wild snake knew to tell us." Harry nodded and jumped down from Anko's shoulder to follow the new snake.

"Hassa's living here."

"Is Hassa the new snake?"

"Yes." Great, not only was she collecting troubled orphans, she was collecting snakes, both wild and Summoned. At least Manda's temper was improving a great deal, or she would have ended up sacrificing Konoha after the first couple times. Maybe it was just because the Chief Snake liked Harry.

"Harry, I'm going to get Sasuke. Do you want to come?" Her youngest son launched himself back on Anko's shoulder, now holding Coral and Diamondback, Benihime perched on his head.

When Anko, Harry, the snakes and the dog got to the Uchiha compound, the members of ANBU tried to stop them.

"Listen. Hokage-ojii asked me to take the Uchiha gaki in. He ran back here last night. I can't get to him with you idiots blocking the way!" Anko's growl was backed up when Diamondback struck at one of the ANBU's necks, barely missing him. They quickly fell back. Anko smirked and continued into the compound to find Sasuke.

She walked through the bloodstained streets, looking at the apartments and pools of blood where people had died. She licked her lips, enjoying the tangy iron-rich air.

"Anko! You came!" The cry came from the manor house, where she found Cottonmouth curled up on the steps. "He went in and closed the door on me. I couldn't get in anywhere, he even closed the windows."

"Thats okay. Thanks for tracking him for us."

"No problem, Anko." Harry hopped down and picked Cottonmouth up before jumping back onto Anko's shoulder.

"Sasuke-kun! Open the door!" she called.

"Don't call me that! Go away!"

"Sasuke-chan! If you don't open the door, I'll break it down!" Anko called in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"I told you to go away!"

"Hold on, Midori-me-chan," Anko murmured to Harry. He held tighter to her shoulder, and she backed up before rushing the door and kicking it down.

"You bitch!"

"I'm a Mitarashi, not an Inuzuka!" Anko called cheerfully.

"Shut up and go away!" Sasuke snarled in response.

"If you don't come out by the count of five, I'll send in the snakes!"

"Go the fuck away!"

"One!"

"Go. Away!"

"Two!"

"Leave! I'm warning you!"

"Three!"

"I'll sue you! See if I don't!"

"Four!"

"Phoenix Flame Jutsu!"

"Five!" Anko ducked the flying tongues of fire as the snakes raced in. A massive crash was heard as one of the snakes hopefully dodged a bunch of kunai and shuriken. Then, finally, the smoke cleared.

"You can come in, now, Anko," Cottonmouth called. The two humans entered the room, finding Sasuke unconscious with Diamondback lightly curled about his neck.

"He wouldn't stop throwing things at us and he really shouldn't have used the fire indoors. I just choked him long enough to knock him out. He'll be fine." Anko bent and tossed the unconscious Uchiha over her free shoulder with as much finesse as she would use with a sack of potatoes.

* * *

><p>When Sasuke woke up, he felt like his head would implode. He sat up, finding himself on a futon in a house not his own.<p>

"Bitch!" he screamed, remembering what had happened.

"Thank you!" Anko called back from somewhere outside the room.

"If you don't stay here, she'll only tie you up," a voice said. Sasuke turned his head to see a deadly-looking pale yellow snake covered in reddish brown splotches that enclosed slightly paler spots. When it opened its mouth to speak, he saw that the mouth was completely white inside. Sasuke screamed in sheer terror.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: What do you think?<strong>_

_**Balrog: Hehe... I like the snakes! Especially Cottonmouth! He's funny! So is the way Harry clings to Anko... it looks like Yachiru and Kenpachi from Bleach!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: I agree. He's my favorite of the snakes. And please visit my profile, I have a poll up regarding this fic! Please review!**_


	7. Chapter 6

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Another chapter! And Irritant's Familiar wakes up!**_

_**Balrog: Dun-dun-dun!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Apparently we need dramatic music. I don't own anything you don't recognize as property of anyone other than myself!**_

_**Balrog: ?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: disclaimer.**_

* * *

><p>He floated, fully at peace.<p>

The sound was surrounding him, wrapping him in comfort. It sounded like his mother's voice, his father's praise, his brother's adoration. It sounded like the laugh of his best friend, the voice of the woman he loved, and the heartbeat of his mother from when he was in her womb. It smelled like his mother's cooking, like the dust on a hot day, like the sweat from training. It felt like his father's callused hand on his shoulder, his mother's gentle arms, and his family's love. Whatever it was, he hoped it would never stop.

* * *

><p>His memories were sharp against the blackness of his comatose mind.<p>

His father, saying he was undoubtedly going to be accepted into the ANBU. Finding out that his ancestor was still alive. Having his mind invaded and destroyed by said ancestor. Attacking his family, killing them all, men, women and children. Sparing only his little brother, because his ancestor didn't think he was worthwhile.

Shit.

His mind was his own again. He had to wake up. Wake up! _Wake up!_ _WAKE UP, GAKI!_ he mentally shouted at his body. And, with a blood-curdling yell, he snapped to a sitting position, eyes wide open, Mangyeko Sharingan glaring all about him. Uchiha Itachi was awake.

* * *

><p>Irritant looked through the bubble Flitwick had created, staring at his Familiar. The man was tall and muscular, powerful and extremely fit. His face twitched, signaling that he would be waking up soon. If he was moving from a deep coma to REM sleep, then it meant he was healing well. It would probably be another few hours at most before he woke up.<p>

Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, Irritant's Familiar sat up, eyes open, shrieking like a banshee. The eyes were bright blood-red, and the pupils were surrounded by three curved scythe-like shapes. Irritant was caught in the gaze, and he left his body to a black-and-scarlet world where he was spread on a T-shape, reminiscent of the most common method of Roman crucifixion.

"_Who are you?" _The voice came from everywhere and nowhere at once, and he was surrounded by literally hundreds of copies of the man. The only thing Irritant could think to do in order to protect himself and his mind was to sing.

The song of a Discord Phoenix once started the Trojan War. That particular song hadn't been full-strength, and had only been suggestive rather than intrusive. Irritant's shriek was a wailing, undulating mass of crashing, incompatible notes, each one perfectly pitched to crawl into the victim's brain and torture them from the inside out. Psychology was the ally of a Discord Phoenix, and Irritant was one of the best at inflicting metaphysical trauma. His song dug into his victims' brains, supplying everything he needed to know to destroy him. It had been far too long since he had killed. The taste of his prey's thoughts as they oozed into chaos, the feeling of panic overcoming the ordered mind, the subtle smell of sheer terror. It was like an aged Pinot Noir to a connoisseur. It was like smooth, rich velvet to a queen. He reveled in the feel of it, loving every moment.

And then, with a wrench, he realized who this was. This was his Familiar! Destroying his Familiar would be to destroy a portion of his own power. If a Phoenix, either Discord or Harmony, found a Familiar, the Bond created a power flow between the two. The Bond itself was a power source, and was the driving force behind many powerful Humans. The Harmony Phoenix Cernunos had a Familiar named Merlin Emrys, a Harmony Phoenix named Yahweh had a Familiar named Yeshua Christos, and a Discord Phoenix named Tezcatlipoca had a Familiar named Christopher Columbus. All three Humans had done great things, with the help of the Phoeni who had Bound to them.

Irritant wrenched his mind out of the tsukuyomi, letting loose a squawk that hopefully would jolt his Familiar to his senses.

"I am called Irritant. And you, Uchiha Itachi, are my Familiar." He hopped close, snuggling into Itachi's lap and shoving his head under the man's chin, all but purring in his joy that his Familiar was finally awake.

"What... happened?"

"I Felt you. You were destined to be my Familiar from the time you were born. I felt your panic, and brought you here, cutting off the ties to your older blood relative.

"I... what? You... Madara... Sasuke... I'm confused." Itachi rubbed his temple with one palm, rubbing his arm over his eyes. Everything would wait. All Irritant needed to know was that Itachi was here. The Familiar bond had formed. Everything would be alright. He snuggled in and made himself comfortable as Itachi rested back on the bed. "Why are you named Irritant?"

"I annoy everyone I come across," the Discord Phoenix explained baldly. "We're perfectly matched, Uchiha Itachi. I'll help you get vengeance for your mind and family, and you can help me get my power back."

* * *

><p>Anko watched Harry stare at the scroll, the paper only a few centimeters from his nose. She finished fixing the onigiri, dango, azuki bean paste, and an anpan roll each for Sasuke, herself and Harry for lunch.<p>

"Let me go you stupid whore!" Sasuke snarled from where he was tied up to a chair. Anko ignored him. Diamondback wasn't so forgiving. He sank his teeth up to the gum in the boy's shoulder, flooding the boy's system with venom out before squeezing Sasuke constrictor-style until he was blue. The boy screamed, the bite bleeding and starting to bruise.

"I told you to have more respect, brat," Diamondback snarled, removing his fangs and loosening his coils. "And I didn't use enough venom to kill you. I should have, though."

"I didn't know you could go easy!" Anko laughed to the snake, who rattled his tail in response. She frowned at the lunch. Harry wasn't reading well, it looked like his eyes needed to be fixed. It was just a matter of time until Harry would need to see the hospital. She sighed. Her youngest son was afraid of the hospital, terrified of the Healers, and had a mindless panic of the Healing chakra. Coral had gone with the two of them when Harry had broken his leg, and the snake had explained that the Healing chakra looked a lot like a jutsu that killed his birth parents right before his eyes. Having that concentrated chakra right in his face, and more importantly, right into his open eyes wasn't going to be easy. They could go the easy route and get glasses, like that Gennin who passed almost all of the Chunin exam but quit at the last moment, saying he wasn't "bloodthirsty" enough to be a Ninja. What a joke. Anko could tell the brat was hiding something. She cut the carrot she was chopping with a harder-than-normal slice, sending it flying halfway across the room. She finished putting everything in its proper place, and put the plates on the table. "Harry," she called. "How about some lunch?"

"Yeah!" Harry sprinted for the table as Sasuke screamed about the snakes and Anko mused about how she was going to get Harry to the hospital to get his eyes fixed.

"Do you want to join us, or are you just going to run away again?" Anko asked Sasuke, walking over to the chair he was tied in.

"Let me go, bitch!" he snarled in response. Anko shook her head, dabbing a piece of gauze soaked in alcohol over the bites on Sasuke's neck. It didn't escape her notice that the bites were exactly where Orochimaru had bitten her to create her Cursed Seal of Heaven, and she knew the presence of Summoned snake venom would counteract her former sensei's Seal if he ever tried to recruit the last loyal Uchiha. She wiped the bites dry with the reverse side and taped a bandage over the rapidly darkening skin around the puncture wounds.

"The venom won't even hurt you. It's not normal snake venom, it binds to your cells and makes you impervious to poison. He probably just wanted to scare you. So, are you ready to join us for lunch?" Sasuke glared at her, flinching from her touch.

"Leave me alone." He sounded sullen rather than angry, and Anko shrugged and returned to the table, where she and Harry ate. "Fine," Sasuke said after ten minutes. "I won't run off."

"Good." Anko stood and cut the ropes binding the last loyal Uchiha, and he sat at the table, his movements stiff. "You'll be fine; the venom will bind to your cells overnight. You'll feel better than new in the morning. Now, onigiri?"

"Sure." He picked up his chopsticks as Anko served him some food, Cottonmouth curling up next to him. He edged away from the mottled snake, until he saw Diamondback on his other side. Then, he scooted much closer to Cottonmouth than Diamondback.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Diamondback said sullenly.

"You bit him!" Cottonmouth said, insulted. "He didn't do anything to you, and you _bit _hm!"

"I did that to protect you. I did it when I did to punish you for calling Anko-san a whore." Cottonmouth looked sternly at Sasuke.

"Please don't insult Anko-san. She is a very good woman, and will care for you. She's better than most wild snake mothers. Summons are the only ones who help our hatchlings grow."

"It's not like I want to be here anyways," Sasuke muttered, eating a piece of onigiri.

"You'll get used to it," Cottonmouth said softly. "May I have a piece of that fish, Anko?" he asked, rearing up to delicately accept a sliver of salmon.

"Where's Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"He's at the Inuzuka's with Benihime and Shikkou, playing with Kiba and Akamaru."

"He's not an Inuzuka," Sasuke pointed out. "Why does he have an ninja-hound?"

"He and Shikkou saved one of the ninja-hound's lives, and the Inuzuka family gave Benihime to Naruto as a thank-you gift. Naruto and Kiba have been inseparable since. Kiba and Akamaru are coming here tomorrow, and Harry and I have an errand to run, so you'll be able to meet them."

"I already know them. Kiba brings his dog to the Academy all the time."

"You'll get to play with them, then." Sasuke shrugged and picked at his food.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: The little family is starting to get to know each other.<strong>_

_**Balrog: What did Irritant mean?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: You'll see! Special mention to anyone who can figure out where I got Naruto's dog's name! Please review!**_


	8. Chapter 7

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Hi, I'm back. I appologize for the lateness of this chapter, but I've been hit by a couple deaths of close family members. I haven't felt the urge to write for a while.**_

_**Balrog: Well, this is the new chapter?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Yep. Here you all go.**_

* * *

><p>"What's wrong with your power?" Itachi asked Irritant.<p>

"This." Irritant fluffed his neck feathers, revealing a tattoo of a black beaded necklace with four fangs. "It binds my power. I can't access all of it, and can only make non-lethal attacks. This type of Cursed Seal is very detrimental to one of my kind, and was placed on me by the Elder Harmony Phoenix, a male named Tilion. It is always placed on the strongest Discord Phoeni; my father has one too. His drove him mad; after I hatched, he severed the bond with my mother, Scathach, and mated Fille d'Lorane, a Harmony Phoenix." He smoothed the feathers down, preening them afterwords.

The hospital wing door opened, revealing Pomphrey.

"Ah, good, you're awake. I'll need to give you a few tests to see if anything else is wrong with you. Irritant, go away."

"Why?" the Discord Phoenix whined pathetically, letting his wings droop and his head dip.

"Do you remember the _last _time you were here while I was making an examination?"

* * *

><p>**Flashback**<p>

* * *

><p>Fourth Year Daniel Rudd was laying in the bed, almost literally hacking his lungs out and itching terribly from the massive boils and blisters on his neck, groin and armpits. Someone had set a sulfur-mustard bomb in the halls, and he had walked straight into it.<p>

"Whoever did this should court an amorous Dementor," Pomphrey hissed.

"All quiet in the Western Wing!" Irritant crowed.

"Shut up, bird," the mediwitch grumbled, casting a diagnostic spell. Her quill began to scribble with absurd speed. It didn't stop until Pomphrey cancelled the spell, staring, astonished, at the cramped writing. Among the diseases listed were ysernia pestes, morbillavirus, influenza, human immunodeficiency virus, variola major and minor, typhus, vibrio cholerae, plasmodium falciparum, ebolavirus, and many more. Pomphrey began hyperventilating. A whine escaped her, and she sat down on a bed with a thud. Rudd coughed, spitting out a chunk of blackened, bloody lung and wheezing terribly. Pomphrey clutched at her hair, weeping as she saw the list. It was a Healer's nightmare; from malaria to the notorious Black Death. From anthrax to smallpox. From the bird, pig, horse, cat, dog, and human strains of influenza to AIDS. From ebola to SARS. She would have to quarentine the hospital wing. She, Irritant and Rudd would die. Hopefully it would be quick, especially with this lethal viral cocktail saturating the air.

"Oops. Sorry," Irritant said. "You just scanned me. I'll go now." The bird flashed out in a burst of black flame, and Pomphrey shakily recast her spell. Only the aftereffects of mustard gas poisoning were recorded. She cast the spell to heal it, and collapsed, her nervous system a wreck.

* * *

><p>**End Flashback**<p>

* * *

><p>"Oh, yeah. Do you still have that list?"<p>

"I gave it and one of your shed feathers to a scientist I know."

"It?"

"No, not It. How do you know about It?" Pomphrey asked.

"You talk in your sleep."

"Great. Now get out!"

"Fine, touchy! See you later, 'Tachi-kun!" The Discord Phoenix bowed theatrically to Pomphrey and Itachi before leaving in a burst of black fire.

* * *

><p>Irritant swooped over the five Tables. He sent out streamers of willpower, reaching and influencing every being in the Hall before bursting into song: "I'm Henry the eighth I am, Henry the eighth I am, I am! I got married to the widow nest door; she's been married seven times before! And every one was an Henry! Never yet a Willie or a Sam; I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry; Henry the eighth I am!" He performed a spin in midair. "Second verse, same as the first! Muggleborn First Year boys! I'm Henry the eighth I am, Henry the eighth I am, I am! I got married to the widow nest door; she's been married seven times before! And every one was an Henry! Never yet a Willie or a Sam; I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry; Henry the eighth I am!" The Muggleborn First Year boys had sung with him, some looking befuddled, others looking amused, and most of the students around them laughing. Dumbledore looked livid. "Third verse, same as the first! Muggleborn First Year girls!" The song continued, going by blood status then year. When the 43rd verse had been sung (Pure-blooded 7th year girls), Irritant turned to the Professors, including them in the madness created by Herman's Hermits by his own twisted name for them, from Bee-brain (Dumbledore), to Bruce (Snape), to Valkyrie (Babbling, the Ancient Runes professor), to Moneybags (Flitwick). By the end of dinner, the song had reached its hundred and fiftieth verse, the ghosts had been influenced to sing, and Peeves was making rude noises that marked the beat, all of the inhabitants of the Great Hall were glaring murderously at Irritant, and the younger students were bordering on laryngitis. Finally, following the hundred and sixty-seventh verse, Irritant was attacked by a livid Fawkes, who was singing his own song as loud as he could, causing the students to be quiet and several to fall into healing stupors. The Headmaster's Phoenix sang, cutting off Irritant's "song", and the Discord Phoenix flashed out of the school to torment the acromantula colony.<p>

* * *

><p>Mitarashi Anko stood in the doorway, looking at the bed. Sasuke was curled up under a blanket, not realizing Cottonmouth and Diamondback were coiled near him. The Snake Kunoichi jerked her head towards the front room, and Diamondback slithered to follow her.<p>

"Why did you bite him?" she asked bluntly. "I know the venom is helpful, but it takes resources out of you that you can't afford to loose."

"It's not a normal Healing bite. A Healing bite, as you know, is self-sacrificial by its very nature. What I gave him is the Mark of the Winged Oroborus."

"I've never heard of that."

"I'm not surprised." Diamondback seemed to sigh, shifting his weight through his coils. "I really shouldn't be telling you this, but I tied Sasuke to myself and one of the Oroborus Spirits."

"What is an Oroborus Spirit and why did you infuse him with it?"

"If I didn't, he would have been wide open to anything messing with his mind. Orochimaru could have given him a Cursed Seal at any time, and manipulating his mind would have been easy. The Oroborus Spirits are serpent lore, and I can't tell you anything else without Manda's approval. I'd best be headed back to bed, I need to be near Sasuke in case the Spirit wakes up. If I'm near him, he can draw from my strength now that the two of us are Bound. I think Cottonmouth is going to Bind to him too, making him all the stronger against the demon. Goodnight." The rattlesnake uncoiled himself and slithered back into Sasuke's room, climbing up on the young orphan's futon and coiling up near his head. Anko saw Cottonmouth raise his head and bid her a goodnight before snuggling down closer to Sasuke.

* * *

><p>Anko packed a bento for Harry and herself. She wasn't looking forward to this, but Harry had to see the doctor for his-<p>

"_Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!"_ Anko dropped the dango she was about to skewer and bolted for Sasuke's room, Naruto, Shikkou and Benihime barreling into it first. She saw Sasuke, scrunched against the far wall, still clutching the blanket, staring at Cottonmouth and Diamondback, both snakes blinking blearily at him.

"You woke me up," Diamondback grumbled, shoving his head under his coils and trying to go back to sleep.

"I'm sorry we startled you," Cottonmouth said gently. "We didn't mean to. It's just that we like you, Uchiha-kun."

"Don't call me that," Sasuke snapped, sounding as though he were trying to cover his fear with bluster.

"Uchiha-dono, then. I apologize. Would you rather I leave?"

"Yes." The brown and tan snake bowed his head to Sasuke before slithering off of the futon and out of the house entirely.

"Too early," Diamondback grumbled from under his own coils. "Go back to bed, all of you. Come back and sleep, baka." He curled himself even tighter, if that were possible, and Anko was certain she heard a snore. Anko walked over to Sasuke, moving slowly so he could see her intention. She picked him up, and he shoved her away.

"Get away from me!"

"You need more sleep, Sasuke-kun."

"Don't. Call. Me. Sasuke!" Sasuke snarled. Anko could see Diamondback roll his eyes.

"Mitarashi-san," Cottonmouth said, "Maybe you should listen to him."

"He's living here, so he'll have to put up with me."

"What the hell happened?" Naruto asked.

"He woke up and saw us," Diamondback grumbled from under his coils.

"I hope he doesn't have ophidiophobia for long," Cottonmouth said softly. He looked up at Anko.

"Go back to sleep, Cottonmouth. I'll take care of him."

"You'll do no such thing!" Sasuke growled.

"You can sleep for a while in my room while the snakes are in your room." She dumped him unceremoniously on the futon next to the still sleeping Harry, who slept through it. The younger boy had been up with nightmares half the night, and Anko expected Harry to sleep for a while longer yet, and probably wouldn't be able to be woken by anything less than an apocalypse. "Go back to sleep, Sasuke. School doesn't start for another three hours. I'll get you up in time for you get ready."

"Fine," the last Uchiha in Konoha muttered, pulling the blanket over himself. Harry snuggled closer to him, burrowing himself further down into the futon. Anko left the room, closing the door.

* * *

><p>Anko carried Harry into the hospital, feeling him shake against her shoulder. She knew how much he hated the hospital, but she had to take him in for eye treatment. From what she could gather, her youngest son was nearly blind. Coral flicked her tongue against Harry's cheek, hissing something to him, probably something soothing. Harry clung tighter to Anko, and she hugged him back, glaring at the other patients and parents to keep them from blabbing that she was human after all, and not a snake in human skin.<p>

"Mitarashi?" the nurse called. Anko stood with Harry, exiting the waiting room. She entered a small room with a pair of chiars, a spinning stool and a bed covered in paper that looked like an infant's crayon tableau. The doctor came in, smiling gently at Harry. His eyes were a kind brown and he had a gentle smile. His hair was gently waving, and his hands were ink-stained and large. When he smiled, he tended to close his eyes slightly, so it looked like he was laughing with the patients.

"I'm Sosuke-san. I need you to read this kanji. It will tell us how much we need to fix your eyes. Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you. The chakra is to help you." He gathered chakra in his palm, and Anko got a sinking feeling when she felt Harry shake like an autumnal leaf. "Now, can you read this one?" the medical-nin asked the terrified Mitarashi. The boy tried to read the kanji, but the lines were blurry. He said what he thought they were, and the doctor stopped. "Well, he's got 3/20 eyesight at the moment," Sosuke said to Anko. He ran a hand through his hair, dislodging it and causing a lock to fall between his eyes. "He's almost blind. I'm surprised he can read at all. Come here, Harry, can you lie down on the table for me? I need to fix your eyes. It will help you see better." Harry did so, until the medical ninja brought his glowing green hands to the petrified boy's face. The chakra streamed from the man's hands to Harry's eyes, and the young boy reacted with the speed only a terrified and cornered animal could produce.

Sosuke scrambled backwards as Harry leaped upright, launched himself off the table, and delivered a perfect flying front kick to where the doctor's groin would have been seconds before. Instead, the young boy caught the Sosuke in the stomach, causing the medical ninja to fall onto his hands and knees and retch, his face a nasty shade of green. More medical ninja came in, two to Heal the injured doctor and one for Harry's eyes. Anko got a hold of Harry, asking him to calm down. The young boy was shivering and quaking, crying from sheer terror. Then, a bad situation got inconceivably worse. A massive explosion sent the four doctors flying in all directions. Anko felt a warm, smooth wall curl protectively around Harry and herself. And the doctors were soon sliding down Manda's throat for terrifying his "hatchling" as he coiled about Harry and Anko.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: Hehe... I've been thinking about Manda showing up at Harry's eye oppointment for a while now! Can anyone guess who I based the doctor off of, and where I got Irritant's necklace?<strong>_

_**Balrog: Hehehe! I don't like doctors, and now Manda ate some! I like Manda!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Good thing you go to a volcanologist when you get sick. Please review, people!**_


	9. Chapter 8

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Here's a new chapter. It's shorter, but I cut it off where I thought was logical.**_

_**Balrog: Please review! Or I'll start imitating Irritant! Oh, it's a small world after all, it's a small-**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: (throws a kunai at Balrog, who melts it before it reaches him)**_

_**Balrog: That wasn't nice!**_

* * *

><p>"Dammit!" Anko snarled. "Manda, Harry needed to come here for Healing! You just ate doctors who were trying to help him!"<p>

"I apologize, Anko-san," the great serpent said, his head bowed. "Lamentably, I cannot regurgitate the medical professionals, as the acid in my stomach breaks food down very fast. Harry, please look at me." Harry looked up into Manda's face, seeing the Chief Snake's worried gaze. "Why are you afraid of medical professionals?"

"Green light," Harry explained, burying his face in Anko's shirt.

"He witnessed his birth parents killed by a genjutsu that used a green light," Coral explained, sticking her head out of the collar of Harry's shirt.

"I see." Manda reached his head down and gently nosed Harry. "Anko, Harry, I'm going to take you two to my home. My mate is a Mind-Healer, so I believe you will be fine. I will give instructions to Cottonmouth, Copperhead, Diamondback, and a young female, Massasauga, to protect your elder sons."

"Thank you, Manda," Anko said with a smile. It was amazing the change Harry made in the Snake-Lord's attitude; it was like night and day. He coiled tightly about Anko and Harry, then the Kunoichi felt as though she was falling.

Then, with a thud, Manda landed on a large hummock in a swamp. The air was hot and thick, pouring like soup into Anko and Harry's lungs. The smells were powerful; rotting wood and leaves, water, animals, and the unique smell of a swamp. Birds called to each other, and the insects were massive. A mosquito the size of a small falcon got eaten on the wing by a brown bird with a forked tail Anko identified as a swallow, only the size of a large eagle. The two humans looked around, eyes wide as they took in the surrounding area.

"Get on my head," Manda instructed, lowering his face so Anko and Harry could climb on. A loud rattling sound reached her ears, and she looked for the source. "Don't worry, that's just the birds. We have two species of woodpeckers that live here with us. Their contracts haven't been used since the 1930's, and so have been retracted here." A massive bird the size of a small airplane soared overhead, landing on a dead tree that had been knocked over.

"Greetings, Hebi no Shihaisha," the bird said. He was pitch black, with white streaks from his cheeks down his neck to his wings, ending at the white primaries. The underside of his wings was almost all white, save for a stripe from shoulder to wingtip that was black; it was very narrow near the body and wider at the tips of the primaries, making a wedge-shape. Only the primaries on the uppers of his wings were white, and his beak was a strong off-white lance meant to drill through tree-bark. His yellow eyes held both Anko and Harry, and his bright red crest bobbed with his motion.

"Greetings, Zoge Kitsutsuki no Shihaisha. How is the forest?"

"Why do you bring Humans here? Many of my children were killed by Humans," the bird demanded, ignoring Manda's greeting.

"This is my Human hatchling, Harry, and his adoptive mother, Anko. I bring them here only for Healing." The massive woodpecker tipped his head to the side, looked Harry and Anko over carefully, and finally nodded.

"Go. It is your home as well as mine; I will not stop you. Be warned, however, should they attack any of my kin, or the Koshitsu no Kitsutsuki, I will not be so lenient." The black, white and red bird crouched and launched himself upwards before vanishing over the trees.

"You impressed him," Manda said. "The Zoge Kitsutsuki no Shihaisha hates humans." Manda slid into the water, undulating through the brackish swamp with great ease. The rattling and pounding sounds got louder and softer by moments, and Harry looked around constantly. A much smaller version of the bird that had threatened Anko and Harry landed on Manda's head before honking and taking off again. A dragonfly the size of a crow landed on Harry's arm and he stared at it with wide eyes.

"How old is this swamp?" Anko asked. "The air is... thick, and it's so hot. I almost expect a dinosaur to step out!"

"Ha!" Manda hissed in amusement. Then, Harry stared, bug-eyed, as what could only be described as a pterodactyl soared overhead.

"Kami-sama..." Anko kept looking around, and gasped when she saw a herd of small duck-billed dinosaurs, followed by what could only be their mother, wading and eating vegetation. Two of the young ones were swimming around, and one climbed on Manda's back, only to be called back by its mother, who admonished it not to bug Manda.

"'Kay! Bye!" the baby yelped as it slid off of Manda's scales and back into the swamp.

"It's quite alright, Odessa," Manda called. "He didn't do anything."

"Thank you, Manda," the mother dinosaur replied, bowing her head. She continued foraging with her babies, and soon the trio were beyond the bend. Anko kept her eyes wide to see anything else. They saw a herd of sauropods fording the river, an ancient brown male leading them. Manda bowed to the lead apatasaur, respectfully waiting until they had passed before continuing.

Eventually they ended up in a large cavern. Manda lowered his head, and Anko and Harry slid off to the sand. A scraping sound came from a tunnel to the left, and a verdant snake with a red crest appeared.

"Hello, Manda. Ah, this must be young Harry, and his caretaker, Anko. How do you do." She bowed slightly to the two humans, before curling up beside the water. "Manda has told me much about you."

"Isis-sama," Coral said, appearing and bowing to her matriarch.

"Coral. I greet you. Come here, Harry." Harry walked over to the giant female snake, leaning against her green scales at her request. She looked into his eyes, her own eyes, a bright yellow-green, almost hypnotizing him. Harry found himself growing sleepy, and didn't resist the urge to lean back and close his eyes.

* * *

><p><em>Harry was much smaller. He was resting on someone's hip, and he saw a man with wild black hair, glasses and hazel eyes. <em>

_Suddenly, the man looked up. He yelled something, shoving the person holding him away. Harry turned his face to the person holding him, seeing a woman with long red hair and green eyes. He buried his face in her shirt, and she sprinted for the stairs. A great commotion came from the room they had been in, including sounds of wild beasts, a man yelling, and a high-pitched voice, like evil incarnate. The high-pitched voice screamed something, and a green light filled the room, leaving a feeling of terror in its wake. Harry tried to scream, but couldn't. The woman was still carrying him, and she shifted him so she was carrying him with one hand. She put her thumb in her mouth, biting down hard as though she was about to perform a Summoning Jutsu. Harry felt her smear a symbol on his forehead, almost like a stylized bolt of lightning. She chanted a quick incantation, kissed his forehead and the blood, and he felt power surge through him. Set him down in a corner and shielded his body with her own, her back to him as she glared at the door, a stick in her hand. Harry wanted to look around for a kunai, shuriken, anything, but couldn't make himself move. The door opened. A... being stepped in. He was tall and pale, with red slitted eyes. They didn't have the same look as Sharingan, and they made him terrified. His hair was long and black, and he wore black robes that flapped in an unfelt wind. He spoke to the woman, who tilted her head somewhat. Her reply was tearful, but strong, and though she seemed to be begging for something, she didn't give off a feeling of desperation. Suddenly, the man got a cruel smile on his face and he yelled something. Green light filled the room. The woman fell to the ground, crumpling like a rag doll. Harry's body exploded into pain, originating from the bloody mark on his forehead. The assassin looked at Harry, smirking. Then, he said something, and Harry could see that it was the same incantation that had felled the woman. He seemed to speak it as a lover would, his eyes lighting in anticipation. Pain ripped through Harry's forehead, green light filled the room, and Harry was blasted backwards. The assassin went flying, flames licking his body, and he hit the wall, demolishing it. The power that had coursed through Harry had lit the room on fire as well as his attacker, and all went black._

* * *

><p>Harry woke up, still staring into Isis' yellow-green eyes.<p>

"How do you feel?" the Snake-Lord's mate asked softly. Harry reached his hand up and brushed his scar.

"Better," he said, softly, trembling. "She... died... for me. My mother. My real mother." He stood, bolting over to Anko, climbing her almost before she could pick him up, and buried his head in her shoulder. "Thank you," he said, turning his head to look at Isis. She smiled.

"The memories will take a bit of time to reassemble themselves back where they should be. That was just a preliminary, to get you to remember what had caused so much trauma. It is much easier to work with something remembered rather than something blocked. Come, eat then rest. You are our guests here." Isis slid into a tunnel, Anko and Harry following.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: No Hogwarts, Itachi or Irritant in this chapter.<strong>_

_**Balrog: It's boring without them!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Well, I have a new poll about them on my profile! Please review, people! By the way, how was the prehistoric swamp? And if anyone knows the species of bird that talked to Manda, you get a mention in the next chapter! I'll give you a clue: it's the same species as on my profile!**_


	10. Chapter 9

_**Celebwen Telcontar: JBear and Danvingar were both correct. The bird is an Ivory-Bill Woodpecker. And Danvingar, you are very astute. I thought of the swamp to be a place set apart from time itself. And SeanHicks4, I was wondering if anyone would get that reference!**_

_**Balrog: Smart reviewers.**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: As for the lateness, my grandmother just passed away, compounding my great-grandmother's death and my dog Jake dying, all three of whom I was very close to. Hopefully the quality of the chapter didn't suffer.**_

* * *

><p>"I think it's long past time you stopped being unhelpful," McGonagall snapped. It had been three weeks since Itachi had woken up, and he had been trying to stay out of everyone's way. The students had just been let out for Summer Holidays, and the castle was quiet, mostly, save for Irritant.<p>

"Who's being unhelpful, kitty-cat?" Irritant asked.

"Shut up, bird. I'm taking you to Diagon Alley tomorrow, Itachi."

"Alright," the Uchiha said.

"Woo-hoo! Finally! A trip!"

"Can you ever be quiet?"

"Nope!"

McGonagall sighed. "Get ready. We leave at nine tomorrow morning. Until then, meditate. Look deep inside yourself. You'll find a wellspring of power and within that power is your inner self. Find him. Speak to him, get to know him. Tell me tomorrow how far you are."

"Hahahaha!" Irritant crowed. "That'll be easy, kitty-cat!"

"Not you! Itachi!"

"Fine, fine. Don't teach me magic!"

"Teaching you magic would be like giving You-Know-Who a nuclear warhead."

"A nuclear warhead! That sounds like fun!"

"Irritant, not now," Itachi muttered. The Discord Phoenix shut up, finally.

"Thank you." McGonagall left for her quarters, and Itachi went to where his own quarters were, on the Third Floor near Dumbledore's old office. Itachi and Irritant passed the globular seal Flitwick and three Gringotts goblins had placed on the former office entrance, ignoring the bizarre and muffled sounds emanating from it.

"Mangyeko," Itachi stated, and the portrait of a blonde man exploring a garden filled with sculptures.

"Hm. Uchiha, my man," the blonde connoisseur stated, turning to scowl at Itachi, glaring at him and Irritant but allowing them in the quarters. As the door closed, Itachi and Irritant felt the walls and ground tremble.

"Stop it," Itachi snapped at the guardian picture. "I will admit that your art is… intriguing." Itachi's statement seemed to calm the guardian picture down, going by the fact that the tremors subsided. He was unsure what the resulting picture would look like in the morning; the guardian picture was so unpredictable.

Irritant fluttered over to his perch, spotting a bowl of dried persimmons Itachi had asked the House Elves to keep full.

"Mmm! Dried persimmons! Mmm-mmm! Delicious!" Itachi smiled at his Familiar, watching the bird stuff himself silly with dehydrated fruit before going into his bedroom and getting ready for bed, crawling under the covers and beginning to meditate.

When he closed his eyes, the first thing his mind saw was the Uchiha compound. He had lived there his entire life before Madara decided to destroy the Uchiha Clan through him. He walked through the front gates, listening unconsciously for any signs of life. None were present.

When he got to the manor house, he saw the windows glowing. He walked up the steps, cast off his sandals and walked inside.

Sitting at the table was a copy of himself. He beckoned Itachi to join him, pouring the former Kanohagakure ninja a cup of tea.

"So, you finally arrive," the other Itachi said, taking a sip of the steaming beverage. Itachi tested the tea for poisons and tricks. As far as he could tell, this was genuine Jasmine tea. He still didn't drink.

"Hn."

"Alright. I'm your inner self. You are not only a Shinoubi, but also a Wizard."

"Hn."

"Stop it. You might be an Uchiha, but you don't need to keep the high-and-mighty attitude around me. I'm you."

"Tell me something only I would know."

"Uchiha Madara is alive and masquerading as a madman named Tobi who has a far grater talent for raw irritation than your bird."

"Yes. Alright. What do you have to speak to me with?"

* * *

><p>Sasuke lay on his futon, staring at the ceiling. Naruto had left with the fox that constantly followed him around, Anko and Harry had gone to the hospital for Harry's eyes and hadn't returned yet, and Copperhead, Cottonmouth and Diamondback were who-knew-where.<p>

"Hello, Sasuke," a voice said. The Uchiha turned his head, seeing Cottonmouth curled up on a small table. On the table was a Western chess board, set up for playing. "Do you play?" the dark snake asked, tilting his head to one side.

"Yeah. With a few friends from the Clan. My uncle taught me."

"Black or white?"

"Hn." Sasuke went to the table, crossing his legs and looking at the board. "Black." Cottonmouth nudged a pawn forward with the tip of his tail. Sasuke moved one of his own.

"It may not seem like it, but Anko cares for you. She has only loved three people in her life: her Sensei, before he betrayed her; Harry; and Naruto. And now she is feeling very protective of you, too."

"What about Kakashi?" Sasuke asked, moving a bishop. He remembered the woman dragging the white-haired Jonin into her bedroom from time to time.

"Lovers, you mean?" Cottonmouth asked, wrapping the tip of his tail about a knight so he could move it. Sasuke nodded. "She enjoys them well enough, Kakashi and Iruka most, but she's only in it for a good time. She once loved her Sensei, and when he betrayed her, she left for five years, swearing never to love anyone ever again. It took her over two years before she realized she loved Harry and Naruto as her sons, and Copperhead had to talk her out of dumping them in the orphanage and running off Outside again."

"Where is she now?"

"Dawn Swamp. It's a place… _apart _from time, I suppose. It's where the Summon Snakes live, as well as many other creatures, including the Ancient Ones."

"What are the Ancient Ones?" Sasuke asked, capturing Cottonmouth's pawn with his bishop. "Check."

"They are… giant, powerful lizard-like creatures. Some are herbivores and others carnivores. They were driven out of this world by a dark storm covering the sun for many years." Cottonmouth moved his knight to capture Sasuke's offending bishop. Sasuke moved his queen into position.

"Check. Why are Anko and Harry in the Dawn Swamp?" Cottonmouth considered the board, before moving one of his pawns into Sasuke's queen's path.

"So Harry can get his eyes fixed without Manda-sama being accidentally Summoned. He ate a few doctors by mistake this morning." Sasuke paused in moving his knight to capture Cottonmouth's pawn.

"Check. How did that happen?"

"Harry has a severe phobia of green light. The Healing chakra scared him, and he panicked, accidentally Summoning Manda-sama. Manda-sama misconstruted the situation, thought the doctors were attacking Harry, and ate them. He only learned later that they were trying to help him. I wouldn't be surprised if Harry and Anko aren't allowed in the hospital again." Sasuke looked at Cottonmouth. "Harry is probably talking with Isis-sama now. She is Manda-sama's mate, and is known for her wisdom, compassion and Healing."

"I… see." Sasuke watched as Cottonmouth observed the board. The snake moved his King one space. Sasuke moved his rook.

"Check, and mate."

"You're good," Cottonmouth observed, toppling his king with the tip of his tail.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: Please review, everyone.<strong>_


	11. Chapter 10

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Another chapter! This one doesn't have Irritant in it, but it does have some Itachi.**_

_**Balrog: You finally update!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: (Glares at Balrog) I have been having a hard time. Between funerals and my computer eating my next few chapters of Hidden, it's been a nasty week. Please review, people! And I have a new poll on my profile, regarding the life or death of one of my other stories!**_

* * *

><p>Itachi strode through the streets with purpose, having decided to stay behind at the castle, possibly to bug the professors. Beside him, McGonagall consulted a list.<p>

"We need to get you a wand, some books, proper clothes, and some potions supplies. Clothes first." She steered the two into a robe shop, where Itachi found robes in dark blue that he decided to get, and a set of dress robes in black and red, the pattern of his Mangyeko Sharingan over the heart of a stylized red and black phoenix which was surrounded by the stylized Uchiha fan becoming his personal House Crest. The next stop was to the bank, where he registered his family and became the Uchiha Clan Head. A side effect of this was that if Sasuke ever came to Britain, he would be his brother's legal guardian. He opened a Family Vault, which was empty at the moment. The Goblins had him think of the Family Kekkei Genkai, and a book appeared on a pedestal, outlining how to use Sharingan and how to activate and use Mangyeko Sharingan, mentioning the corrosive effect Mangyeko Sharingan had on the eyes and eventually the body.

After the bank trip, McGonagall took him to the wand shop, a small, rickety building, telling him to stay there while she got his books. When he entered, he saw a cashier's table and an aisle, which was covered from floor to ceiling with small, narrow boxes.

"Ah, a customer! Good morning!"

"Hn."

"I don't recall you, are you here for a replacement wand from one of my rivals?"

"No, I'm here for my first wand."

"Interesting, interesting!" The wandmaker gestured to a stool, where he had Itachi stand and hold out his dominant arm. A tape measure flitted about him like an absurd bird, measuring in bizarre places, including between his eyes, nostrils, toes, and legs. He was handed a wand, which he flicked as he was told. The counter imploded violently, burning with unquenchable black fire. Another caused the shop to glow with a sullen red light provided by a scarlet moon, before dead Uchiha appeared as they had fallen, blood spilling from wounds still fresh. It was exactly what he had shown Sasuke with his Tsukuyomi. Itachi activated his Sharingan, looking for what had caused the genjutsu. He found that it was coming from the wand he held, which was pulling power from him. He flung the wand away, the genjutsu stopping as soon as the wand left Itachi's hand.

Finally, after almost three hours, Itachi was handed a white wand. He held it, and it filled him with a warm acceptance.

"Good Heavens, young man! Mallorn wood and black unicorn hair! Be careful, young man. That wand is very powerful. Mallorn wood is a conduit for extreme goodness and hope, while black unicorn hair is a sign of tarnished innocence as a unicorn can only turn black if it sees or does something terrible. A black unicorn is very skittish and lives outside of normal unicorn herds. It took my father his entire lifetime to track one down and persuade it to part with a single hair. He had a hunch that it would be needed, and best paired with Mallorn wood, and so he found the last Mallorn alive and took a cutting from it. Use it wisely, young man." Itachi nodded at the man and turned, finding McGonagall behind him. She handed the shopkeeper a handful of golden coins (galleons, he reminded himself), and they left.

"Interesting. I've never heard of Ollivander being so stern. That must be an incredible wand."

"Hn."

"One more stop; we need to get you an owl."

"An owl?" he asked. "I don't send mail to anyone. Irritant will deliver and receive mail."

"Don't be ridiculous; your phoenix can destroy the entire Wizarding community by accident. We can't afford for your mail delivery system to recreate the Hundred Years War, plague and all, on a whim. Come on." She led him into Eyelops Owl Emporium, and he found one he liked, a black eagle owl with fierce red eyes and a proud bearing. He named it Fugaku, after his father.

* * *

><p><strong>Time Skip – five years<strong>

* * *

><p>"Thank you so much, Isis-sama," Harry said, hugging the massive serpent. She nuzzled him softly, mussing his hair with her snout. For the past five years, Anko had taken Harry to the Dawn Swamp every week for a counseling session with Isis, who got Harry over his fear of green light and manipulated his eyes so he had perfect vision, with a side effect of vertical pupils and heat-sensitive vision.<p>

"You are very welcome, my hatchling." Anko bowed low to the ancient snake. "Tell me how your brothers do in their testing."

"I will." Harry bowed and exited, before being bowled over by Ophinichus, one of Odessa's hatchlings, the same one that had tried climbing onto Manda's tail five years previous.

"Harry-kun, are you leaving us?" he asked in a disparaging voice.

"I am. I have to go home."

"Will I see you next week?"

"No, you won't. I graduate next week, and get a Gennin sensei and team." He hugged the hatchling dinosaur, who honked in despair.

"But I wanna see you again!"

"You will, later!" Harry laughed, untangling Ophinichus' claws from his clothes. The clingy duck-billed dinosaur pouted as Harry and Anko reverse-summoned themselves to their own world.

* * *

><p>"What the hell?" Harry yelped, looking at his new Gennin Sensei. He was alone in the classroom, all his classmates having been assigned their Gennin Sensei. Standing before him, looking slightly annoyed from the set of his mouth, was Oji Ebisu. The annoying closet pervert his brother Naruto had the bad luck to run into before becoming a Gennin. What a mess. And to top it all off, his brothers and mother were off in the Forest of Death for their Chunnin exams, with Anko supervising as the moderator. He was supposed to listen to this stick-in-the-mud for a <em>year<em> before Anko took him Outside for his Magical training?

"Well, come along," Ebisu said. "Your mother asked me to train you privately, since you have a mission in less than a year. I am doing this as a favor to her." He led Harry out of the classroom to a secluded clearing in the forest. "Sit." Harry lowered himself to the forest floor in _seiza_, placing his hands on his thighs. Ebisu nodded approvingly, and sat in _seiza_ himself across the clearing. "Now, close your eyes, and try to clear your mind." Harry closed his eyes, and tried to think of nothing. When he did so, thoughts would randomly pop into his brain, such as wondering how his brothers were faring, how Ophinicus was dealing with his mother, how Isis and Manda were. "It may help to imagine a great library. Every thought has a place. Every worry has a section. Your taijutsu, ninjutsu and genjutsu skills are all sealed in scrolls. Every passing image is in a scroll." Ebisu's voice was slightly monotone, unlike his usual speech. The sound slowly faded until he couldn't hear anything from the outside. Harry imagined scroll after scroll, thinking of sealing everything he knew in them. He tried over and over, until he was just about to scream with frustration. He just couldn't do it; the thoughts were too many and sealing them into imaginary scrolls was a ridiculous task. The scrolls faded from his mental view, and he fell into the blackness of unconsciousness.

* * *

><p>Harry jumped, awakened from his impromptu fainting spell. What had startled him was Ebisu's voice.<p>

"You are still at it? I greatly apologize; there was an emergency with a missing nin. I want you to seal three thoughts in scrolls every night until you get the hang of it, but start in about a month. I don't want you doing any more tonight, it can hurt your mind. How many thoughts did you seal away?" Harry opened his eyes, and found that a long time had passed since he came into the clearing. Full night had fallen and the stars were out, Orion showing clearly through a break in the branches.

"I… don' know. I los'…track." Harry was having a very difficult time thinking. His thoughts kept slipping away from him, leaving his mind filled with nothing but random, and highly annoying, images.

"Can you move your legs?" Harry tried getting to his feet, but his legs were asleep, and so he couldn't stand, much less walk. Ebisu scooped him up, carrying him in his arms. "I'm taking you to my mother's house. She's a Healer, and she'll be happy to have someone to fuss over."

"What…happened?" Harry asked. It was hard to form a thought, much less force it into speech.

"One of the Gennin in the Chunin Exams was attacked. The student is fine, and your mother is currently with him since it was her former Sensei that attacked the prospective Chunin. You shouldn't do that exercise for more than three thoughts at a time until you're a great deal more experienced; it's dangerous. I didn't think you would be able to seal more than one or two at the most. It took me over a week to seal one thought away."

"Mmm. Ca't thi'k."

"We're almost there," Ebisu said, hurrying forward and sliding the shoji open with his foot. "Mother?"

"Ebisu? What is it?" a voice called in English. A thin woman dressed in a green yukata and a silver sash with black hair liberally streaked with grey tied in a severe bun and a sallow face like a hatchet came into the room.

"Mother, this is Mitarashi Harry. His mother is overseeing an accident during the Chunin Exams."

"Mother of God! Lily's eyes!" she gasped after seeing Harry's eyes.

"He's Lily Evans' son, adopted by Mitarashi Anko. Harry, this is my mother. Her name is Oji Airiin."

"Nice meet'n yoo," Harry managed to say around his thick tongue and unresponsive facial muscles.

"Mother, he was lost in the Sealing Occlumency Technique for over three hours."

"Holy Mary, Queen of Heaven, how did he survive?"

"He will have to rest for a while. Harry, I'm going to contact your mother and brothers and tell them you are safe. Alright?"

"Yes," the boy managed to croak. "Thanks."

"I'm glad you're alright." He patted Harry's hand. "Don't use that technique for another few weeks, and only use it for three thoughts at a time." A cup of hot tea was pressed into his hands. He took a sip, finding it odd tasting, very sweet and creamy. Ebisu handed Harry a piece of bread, something thick and white slathered over it. He took a bite, and nearly choked. It tasted odd, and was very sweet. The topping was cold and tasted almost like pure cream. Ebisu handed him another part of a buiscut, this one piled high with what looked to be strawberry jam.

"This is Earl Grey. It's one of my favorite teas. I fixed you a British style low tea since you need some sugars, carbohydrates and fats to replace all the chakra you burned up."

"Is that why the Akamichi's eat so much?" Harry asked, proud that his tongue was back under control.

"Yes. Their size-increasing Clan techniques tend to take up a lot of chakra, and the foods they normally eat are good at replenishing chakra quickly."

"Interesting." Harry took a sip of the tea, and found it very good. He ate a bite of the scone, ignoring the overly sweet taste and washing it down with more tea. After he ate the scone, he was given a cold fruit tart covered in more of that clotted cream, which made his teeth ache from the sweetness. After that was a toasted muffin slathered with a sweet and sour yellow jam-like substance, apparently called "lemon curd". He downed cup after cup of the Earl Grey to get rid of the sickeningly sweet taste.

"How are you feeling?"

"Acctually, a bit better. How did you know my birth mother?"

"That is a long story. You see, when I was young, I became infatuated with a man. He was handsome, oh, yes. I married him, and we had a son. I should have known not to marry him… my parents didn't like him, but I was so sick and tired of my mother's haughty airs and wanted to get back at her. My husband found out about my kekkei genkai, and he abused my first son, who also had my kekkei genkai, and one of his few solaces was a friend of his, your mother. When I became pregnant again, I knew I couldn't allow him to abuse another child of mine. I crushed up a peach pit, several apple seeds and a few cherry pits and put them in his coffee."

"Cyanide."

"Yes. I came here, gave birth to Ebisu, and haven't looked back since."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: A low tea does not define the class, it is the table height. In other words, a low tea is typically served on the closest thing to an American coffee table, while high teas are more like supper and served on a dinner table.<strong>_

_**Balrog: What about Oji Airiin?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: The Kekkei Genkai Oji Airiin refers to is magic. Airiin is a British witch. She was desperate, and when she Flooed out of her home, she asked to be somewhere, anywhere, where she would never have to see any Magical or Muggle people again. She came out in an abandoned fireplace in Konoha, changed her name, and the rest is history. Question for my reviewers: Who is Oji Airiin?**_


	12. Chapter 11

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Whoa. I'm floored! I don't think I've ever gotten such a response for any chapter of any fic before! You all rock!**_

_**Balrog: I'm going to ignore the pun on my food source. Rocks are not reviewers, they are yummy. Especially pegmatite… and it's best half melted, with a crunchy crust and a melted, gooey core… yum!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Okay. I thought I had gotten used to Balrog's insanity, but apparently not. Oh well! Please review!**_

* * *

><p>McGonagall enjoyed watching the enchanted quill address the envelopes to the prospective First Years for each new school term. It was soothing, listening to the scratch of the nib on the parchment, the scent of the florescent green ink the quill used, and the repetitive motions. She also liked seeing what sort of background the First Years lived in. At one point, one Muggleborn student was reported as living in a basement, but, when she got there, she found the basement far better outfitted for a child of his age than the remainder of the house. Another thing she liked doing was seeing if any of the students were more comfortable speaking any language other than English. The quill would write the preferred language on the envelope, the address including a note indicating to the student that the letter within was English. So far, only three students had come to Hogwarts without a fluent grasp of English: Siegfried Eriksson, who spoke only a variant on Ancient Norse; Padraig Callahan, who only spoke Irish Gaelic, and Jeanne Saulnier, who spoke only French.<p>

Suddenly the quill reversed itself so its feather was over the ink bottle instead of the nib. It dipped itself into the ink, wiped off the excess green fluid, and began drawing intricate lines that looked a lot like some Asian script. The strokes were graceful and light, yet quick and when it was finished, it put an address in English on the lower portion of the envelope, which was to a large London hotel. She made a mental note to have Itachi go with the instructor sent to introduce them to the Wizarding World. Then she saw the name that corresponded to the envelope and nearly had a heart attack. Harry Potter was in a hotel and was more comfortable with an Oriental language than English? McGonagall leapt up and raced out of the room, trying to find Dumbledore.

As she careened around a corner, the edge of her arisaid (1) caught on a suit of armor, causing both herself and the armor to go crashing to the ground. A number of small items, including, to her embarrassment a small sachet of catnip, went flying.

"Watch where you're going!" it scolded, in Scottish Gaelic. She sat up and stared at the armor, which, if anything, was French, emblazoned with fleur-de-lis. (2)

* * *

><p>Harry sat across from Hokage Sarutobi Hiruzen, Oji Airiin and Ebisu-sensei, between Anko to his left and Sasuke and Naruto to his right. Sasuke looked rather worse for the wear and had a dark patch of skin between his neck and shoulder seeping what looked like concentrated ink. From time to time Sasuke wiped the ink away with a patch of dark gauze that looked like it had already soaked up a great deal of ink.<p>

"You are willing to instruct him?" Sarutobi asked.

"Yes. If need be, he can move into the house with Sasuke, Naruto and I."

"He will be overjoyed. He idolizes Naruto."

"I know," Anko said, her voice long-suffering. Apparently Naruto had told his mother about his fan. "I won't coddle him. He'll be treated like any other student."

"Wha?" Ebisu objected.

"You heard me, Ebisu. He won't be given some inflated notion of himself simply because he's related to the old man. He's going to get hands-on training, not any of this wimpy stuff you teach him. The brat won't break with a few harsh words! He'll learn the meaning of hard work, and if he _ever _tries _that _technique on _me_, he'll regret it!" By the end of her sentence, her voice was a low, deadly rasp that sounded slightly like the hissing of a snake.

"Don't hurt him too badly," Sarutobi said plaintively. "He's a good boy."

"He needs some hands-on teaching, not any of this shit Ebisu uses. Besides, Oji-gaki will do better with someone with his own Kekkei Genkai rather than a snot-nosed brat."

"And you'll be willing to be his Gennin Sensei?"

"Of course. Tora-baka won't find anywhere to hide from _him _after I'm done with him!" She let out a rather unhinged laugh. Harry rolled his eyes, used to the way his mother acted around other people. Poor Konohomaru!

* * *

><p>Mitarashi Anko, Mitarashi Harry, Oji Airiin and Oji Ebisu entered their hotel room. A pair of spectacle-hooded cobras were on Anko's bed, and rose up to greet her and Harry.<p>

"How was your trip?" Nag asked. Nagaina reared up, looking intently at Harry.

"It was… stressful," Ebisu grumbled, dropping a bag of groceries on the dresser top. He slumped into one of the chairs, burying his head in his hands.

"I never thought I'd be here again," Airiin said, hugging herself and trying to meld with the wall. Anko patted her shoulder and picked up the groceries, making a face at the bread and sandwich makings.

"It will be alright, Airiin, and we'll be back in Konoha very soon anyways." She stowed the perishable items she carried in the small refrigerator, stacking the bread, peanut butter, and the small Devil's Food Cake (whatever that meant) on the dresser. Harry flopped on the couch, propping his feet on the armrest and ignoring the stern look Ebisu sent him. Airiin sat on the bed and was instantly welcomed by Nag and Nagaina, who crawled into her lap and chatted with Harry.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God!" Airiin yelped. "You're a Parselmouth!"

"A what?" Harry asked.

"A Parselmouth is someone who can talk to snakes. It was considered a very Dark ability, mainly because Salazar Slytherin had it."

"Who's Salazar Slytherin?"

"One of the Four Founders. There are three others, and each has a House named after them: Hufflepuff, which prizes loyalty; Ravenclaw, which prizes intelligence; Slytherin, which prizes cunning and ambition but most outside of Slytherin consider it evil; and Gryffindor, which is commonly known as cannon fodder for their suicidal bravery. Mother and Father were proud to be in Ravenclaw House for as long as they could track the Prince line, but I was a Slytherin. Mother and Father were smothering me during the breaks, trying to keep me from going evil. The Prince's always were neutral in every war, and so they tried to keep me from going Dark. I decided to snub them any way I could after graduation, so I married a Muggle just to spite them. We had a son, and after he began to show magical power, he beat Severus regularly. Sev… went Dark. Just before I poisoned Tobias and left, I heard that Severus had joined a terrorist organization. I… he's not my son anymore." She sat up straighter. "Severus Tobias Snape, I, as the Head of the Prince Family, formally disinherit thee and all thou descendants, whether be legitimate or bastard. I repudiate thee, and disown thee. Thy name Prince is no longer yours. Go where're thee wilt, thou shant find shelter beneath my rooftree." A ring appeared on Airiin's right index finger, a heater shaped shield supported by two ravens addorsed and elevated(3), a banner beneath the shield reading _ipsa scientia potestas est_. It glowed, and Airiin slumped back onto the bed, worn out.

"Mother!" Ebisu yelped.

"I'll… be fine," Airiin said softly, sitting up. "Using… magic, when I… haven't… for a while… is tiring. It's not… quite chakra… but not… quite different." Nagaina and Nag hissed at her.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Harry asked. "Nag just offered to bring you a mouse."

"Um… no thanks, Nag," Airiin said, looking at the snake, who nodded and curled up in a coil indistinguishable from his mate and both went to sleep. Harry used a bit of chakra to heat up the blanket and the air around them to make them more comfortable.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Anko opened it, revealing a woman with black hair in a severe bun in black robes and an arisaid and a black-haired man with Sharingan eyes.

"Uchiha Itachi!" she snarled.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: I think I'll leave it there! I have some terms you may not be familiar with below. I've been using them for years and I hate describing things without giving their proper name.<strong>_

_**Balrog: Uh oh. You did a cliffhanger!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Yes I did. I like writing cliffhangers!**_

* * *

><p>(1) An arisaid is an old-fashioned traditional garment Scottish women used to wear, much like a very voluminous cloak, which could be folded and belted in multiple ways to create a myriad of pockets and pouches. I believe this is the piece of fabric that is often simply called a tartan by JKR.<p>

(2) The fleur-de-lis is a stylized lily often seen in heraldry.

(3) "Addorsed and elevated" is a heraldic term, meaning a bird with both wings open and displayed on both sides of the body and both feet on the ground, usually with the beak open. A good site is http : / / heraldry . sca . org / primer / birds . html


	13. Chapter 12

_**Celebwen Telcontar: This one is a bit longer. I hope you like it! Please review!**_

_**Balrog: It looks pretty good. No major spelling errors that I could see. Then again, I go by spell-check and if I don't agree with it, I melt the computer.**_

* * *

><p>Severus Snape felt a tingling begin in his head. It swarmed through his brain, flowing to his nose, eyes, ears and mouth. It almost felt like some of his teeth were suddenly loose, and he almost brought up a hand to check when he fell with a thud. He gazed up at the ceiling of the hallway, trying to figure out why he had lost his balance and felt so winded and dizzy. The world around him was spinning, and he felt rather ill, both nauseous and as though he had contracted a bad case of Wizard's Flu. He forced himself to his feet, ignoring the spinning corridor, leaning heavily on the wall as he made his way to the Hospital Wing.<p>

As he toppled through the doors, he felt Pomphrey catch him with a spell and bear him to a bed.

"Imhotep preserve me! How bad is it?" she asked.

"Bad," he choked out. Her eyebrows shot up; she knew that he was one for dumbing down his pain, and a grunt meant agony. Saying, out and out, that pain was downright _bad_ was like someone else saying they were about to die. She cast a diagnostic spell at him after making sure Irritant wasn't in the room, and found nothing more than the massive internal scarring that occurred from the Dark Mark. She frowned, and cast a magical diagnostic spell.

"Somehow, you have been disinherited and disowned." Snape sat up, ignoring the agony, and stared at her with his eyes wide.

"How? My parents died when I was eighteen! My grandparents when I was twenty! I have no living family from the Prince side, and the Snape side is pure Muggle!"

"Apparently you do have family." Snape grabbed his wand, cast the spell magically acknowledging his loss of status, causing his pain to end. He bolted out of the Hospital Wing and the castle in general, tripped over Mrs. Norris and sent Filch running for cover as he wind milled his arms to regain his balance, making accusations regarding Filch's and his cat's maternity, paternity, and sexual preferences.

"Out of the way, fleabag!" Snape snarled as he barreled towards the kitchens and cast a summoning spell. He was met by a Nimbus Javelin probably confiscated from a First Year. He hit the pear with a tickling charm before demanding a chunk of raw, bloody meat for a thestral. It was pressed into his hand, in a basket so he wouldn't get blood on his robes or hands, and flew for the Dark Forest, nearly mowing down a confused Dumbledore, who scrambled out of the way just in time, his Technicolor robes flying.

"Severus, my boy!" he yelped from his prone position against the wall. "Whatever is the matter?"

"No time! Family! Bye!" the normally dour Potions Master hollered over his shoulder as he breezed past. Dumbledore was certain Snape had broken the sound barrier from the boom that echoed through the castle. Or maybe that was just the front doors.

"My! He was flying like a bat out of Hell! And was that my new broom?"

* * *

><p>Snape yanked the broom towards the Forbidden Forest, realizing that he probably should have requested a specific broom. This one seemed to have difficulty turning but had a very fast acceleration on straight flight, much like the typical javelin after which it was named. He eventually settled on a straight flight through the trees as best he could, flinging himself in barrel rolls and altering course slightly to avoid low branches. Finally he reached the clearing where thestrals tended to congregate, and a mare and foal came up to sniff in the bucket, a stallion following. The stallion snorted and shied as Snape put the bucket down and flung himself on the thestral's back. He gave the stallion a kick in the ribs, saying to go to his living family members. The thestral stallion neighed and reared before launching himself upwards with sure, powerful wingbeats. He saw the mare and foal continue to eat out of the bucket far below, the Nimbus Javelin laying near the young thestral. Then, they banked, and Snape lost sight of the clearing.<p>

Fog was the devil of all travelers, Snape thought, clinging ruthlessly to the thestral's mane. The stallion had been traveling through a cloudbank for three hours now, and his hide was wet, cold and slippery. Snape had locked his knees around the barrel of the flying animal, hunkering down into his robes and shivering as he rode. His inner thighs were getting sore and losing skin, and his drenched, cold robes had long since conformed to his body in a frozen mass of rock-hard cotton. An airplane flew overhead with a wailing of engines, sending the stallion neighing and banking to try avoiding the higher-flying contraption. Snape slid to the side, almost falling off as he gripped the mane even tighter, feeling the ice crystals crack and flake off from his hands and caught the stallion's wing with one ankle, causing him to bank and swerve, neighing frantically until Snape managed to right himself on the thestral's bony back.

Then they were descending, and Snape had to lock his legs about the stallion's girth even tighter to keep from crashing into the thestral's neck. They passed the bottom of the cloudbank, swerved around a couple of skyscrapers, ignored the gawping of a few people staring at the two of them, and finally landed on the roof of a hotel. Snape unlocked his legs, sliding awkwardly to the ground with a thud accompanied by the crunch of the ice on his robes shattering. He patted the stallion's neck, and looked for a door.

"Thanks," he said gruffly. The stallion snorted and pawed at the base of a door, which Snape unlocked and they entered. It was surreal for Snape to follow an animal, intelligent draconian horse or not. When the stallion pushed an elevator button with his nose, Snape patted the stallion on the shoulder, and felt the stirrings of what he recognized as a Familiar bond. "You need a name. Lodestone will do." The stallion looked at him with disdain, and sneezed in his face. Snape glared. "I presume you'd prefer Odysseus?" Snape asked sarcastically. The thestral bobbed his head sagely and Snape rolled his eyes. Just his luck. He had a sarcastic thestral as a familiar. At least it was better than a mad phoenix that sowed death and destruction as easily as breathing.

* * *

><p><strong>The hotel, three hours previous<strong>

* * *

><p>Anko rushed Itachi, slamming him into the wall, forcing his hand to form a specific seal with hers. Then, she saw nothing but a black plain lit only by a red moon.<p>

"Mitarashi-san," Itachi said, bowing. "Let me show you the truth." The world shifted until she was in the Hokage's office with Itachi and the Sandaime. She listened as the Uchiha detailed a potential uprising instigated by the Uchiha Clan. Sarutobi listened, taking his pipe out of his mouth. The past few months, she had learned ways of telling truth from fiction in Sharingan-inspired Genjutsu. She took in the scenery, seeing nothing wavering or out-of-focus as a Genjutsu based on lies would be. Sasuke was very good at lying, and only her serpentine ability to sense his heartbeat ever gave him away. Itachi was showing her the truth. She saw him stand before Danzo, told to eliminate his family. He protested, and left the village. Not three hours later, he was caught in a web spun by some masked lunatic with the mental capacity of a deranged toddler. The insane man removed his mask, revealing a face with several trademark Uchiha traits, including Sharigan eyes. He used some combination of Genjutsu and his and Itachi's blood to force the sane young man to return to the village and start slaughtering men, women and children. He only stopped when he was in front of Sasuke, and the lunatic escaped over the village wall as Itachi caught his brother in a Genjutsu of his own.

"You see?" Itachi asked, crying black tears.

"Yes," Anko said, nodding. They were flung from the Genjutsu, and were in the hallway again. She removed her hand from the seal, and the two snakes that were poking their heads out of Anko's sleeve retracted.

"What the Hell is going on?" the woman in the arisaid yelped, scowling at Itachi and Anko.

"A misunderstanding," Anko explained.

"Nothing to be concerned over," Itachi said at the same time, causing the woman to glare at both of them.

"Mom?" Harry asked. The woman looked at the door as Harry, Airiin and Ebisu looked out. "Uchiha Itachi! Die!" Harry leapt for Sasuke's biological brother, Coral, Nag and Nagaina racing for the Uchiha.

"No!" Anko cried out.

"What?"

"Eileen Snape!" the woman in the arisaid yelped.

"Minerva McGonagall!"

"Who the Hell are you?"

"You're a Parselmouth!"

"_What is going on here?" _Ebisu demanded at the top of his voice. Everything went still as everyone turned to look at him. "Ahem. Please explain. Now. Who are you and why are you with a known murderer and traitor? Anko-san, why did you stop Harry-kun from killing Uchiha-san? Mother, how do you know this woman? How do you know my mother?"

"Uchiha Itachi killed his clan because he was taken over by a missing nin after he refused to kill them after informing Sarutobi-jii that they were plotting a revolt and hostile takeover of Konohagakure. The missing nin, some lunatic named Uchiha Tobi, took over Itachi-san's body and decimated the Uchiha clan."

"This is Professor Minerva McGonagall. She was my Transfiguration Professor when I was in school before I moved to Konoha."

"Where have you been? I thought you died!"

"I… removed myself from an abusive marriage and had a Floo accident, ending up in someplace called Konohagakure."

"What? Where is that?"

"I think it's roughly in the Pacific Ocean. They speak only a very ancient and massively shifted form of Japanese there, and are protected by ninjas. This is my younger son, Ebisu."

"I was brought to England by a bird that broke the Mind Control Jutsu."

"Itachi was along as a translator. You can speak to snakes?" McGonagall asked Harry point-blank.

"Yes. I have all my life."

"Great. Harry Potter, Parselmouth. This won't go over well. Shall we go in?" Harry bent, allowing Nag and Nagaina to climb to his neck. They flicked their tongues out at McGonagall, complaining that she tasted like cats.

"Would you care for some tea, Professor?" Airiin asked, sounding weary.

"Yes, _please_." She accepted a cup of tea from her former student, sipping it and staring at it.

"It's green. I've lost my taste for black."

"No problem. I like green teas as well." McGonagall wrapped both hands about the mug, leaning back in the chair. "Maybe we should start at the beginning."

"That's always the best place to start a story," Airiin said softly. "Well, it started when I married Tobias. I only did so to annoy my parents. You remember them. Overachievers and perfectionists who wanted the perfect little Ravenclaw. Instead they got a sarcastic, axe-faced Slytherin who married a Muggle as soon as she got out of school.

"At first, it wasn't so bad. As long as I kept from using magic, Tobias was content to drink, eat, watch the telly, and sleep. Then, Severus was born. When he started showing magic, Tobias began to yell at him. When Severus got his Hogwarts letter, the yellings became beatings. Beatings became belt-lashings. He swore to beat the magic out of Severus. He beat me too, and raped me every night. Eventually, after I heard that Severus had gone Dark, I learned that I was pregnant again. I wasn't about to let Tobias ruin another child, and so I poisoned him and used the Floo to take me someplace where I would be safe, without Witches, Wizards or Muggles. I came out in an abandoned house in Konohagakure, and was taken in by the Sarutobi family. Ebisu was born around the same time as Asuma, and the two were raised together. I moved out after Hiruzen-sama retired and Minato-dono became Hokage."

"That explains how you got there. What about you and Harry?" McGonagall asked Anko. Harry's mother pared down her story to its major components, the Transfiguration Professor breathing an audible sigh of relief when she heard that Anko and Harry were physically related beyond the feelings of mother and child. After the sigh, which Anko caught, McGonagall was pressed to explain about the Blood Wards, which led to the instruments in Dumbledore's old office going haywire, Irritant appearing out of nowhere and Itachi getting dragged into the entire mess. Finally, McGonagall handed Harry his letter, explaining everything she could that Airiin hadn't.

A few hours after Itachi and McGonagall arrived, people outside in the hall started screaming about the place being haunted, one or two screaming about Death Incarnate and the Grim Reaper. A few were heard to be shouting the Lord's Prayer, the Confession of Sin, and the Hail Mary. Airiin and Ebisu opened the door to see what the _hell_ was going on, and Airiin came face-to-face with a thestral stallion and the last person she had wanted to see.

"Severus!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: I love writing cliffhangers!<strong>_

_**Balrog: GAAAH! What happens? Tell me!**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: You'll learn with everyone else!**_

_**Balrog: You're mean.**_


	14. Chapter 13

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Hi, all! Another update! Sorry about the wait. Real life had to stick its nose in.**_

_**Balrog: Free virtual s'mores to all who review! Special mention to anyone who identifies the Victor Hugo reference!**_

* * *

><p>"Severus Marcus Aurileus Snape!" Airiin snarled. "You have a <em>lot <em>of gall coming here!"

"You're alive," Snape whispered, ignoring what she had said, falling forward and hugging her. He broke down, weeping on Airiin's shoulder, until Ebisu grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him into a chair. The bizarre horse-bat thing forced its way in and shoved itself between Ebisu and the new arrival, growling at Harry's Sensei and unfolding its wings wide. Nag and Nagaina hissed, and the female cobra bit the thing on the leg just above its hoof. It shrieked, flailing its hooves, wings and tail. "Odysseus, stop!" he snarled, shooting a jet of red light at the horse-bat hybrid and it fell unconscious.

"What the _hell_ do you think you are _doing?_ That's my mother you were groping!" Ebisu hissed maliciously after the horse-bat thing had been removed from the small room.

"_Your_ mother? She's _my _mother!" Snape yelped in what sounded like confusion.

"You are no son of mine!" Airiin declared, her voice ringing with magic. The Prince Family ring on her finger glowed with a blue light, and the concentrated luminescence erupted towards Snape, who was thrown against the wall and slumped down on top of the horse-bat thing. He struggled to a seated position and raised his right hand, wand drawn, and pointed at the ceiling in a position Airiin recognized as a Wizard about to take an Oath.

"I, Severus Marcus Aurileus Prince Snape, do so swear on my life and magic that I am uninvolved with the Forces of Darkness known as the Death Eaters or under the rule of the self-stylized Lord V-Voldemort. Furthermore, I have since removed myself from their employ before the destruction of the aforementioned Dark Lord by the hand of the child of Lily Rose Evans Potter and James Tiberius Augustus Prewett Potter." He cast a spell, letting his wand's tip to glow brightly.

"I see," Airiin said firmly, narrowing her eyes. "What caused this sudden change of heart?" Her voice was downright glacial. "And why did you bring that… thing here?"

"Odysseus is my Familiar."

"How did you manage to get a thestral as a Familiar?" Itachi asked. "It looks like the herd stallion."

"He was the first mode of transportation I could find that would know where Mother was."

"How did you know we were here?" Itachi asked.

"I didn't know it was Mother, I just knew a Prince family member was alive after she Disowned and Disinherited me. I understand fully why you did that; I would have done so to myself."

"Back to the topic," Airiin snarled. "What happened to change your views?"

"The Dark Lord was going after Lily. I couldn't let that happen."

"Ah. I should have known. You always did chase after that poor girl as though she was Brigid come again. What happened afterwards?" Airiin asked.

"I became a spy for Dumbledore. I…" His voice broke, and tears streamed from his eyes. He bowed his head and began sobbing.

"I vouch for him," McGonagall said after it was clear that Snape was having an emotional breakdown. The Transfiguration Professor knelt and allowed her fellow instructor to cry on her shoulder, gently soothing him and wiping his tears with her arisaid.

"Why did you join your so-called 'Dark Lord' in the first place?" Airiin asked, coldly ignoring McGonagall's attempt to comfort Severus.

"Power. I wanted enough power to kill Tobias and free you."

"Great," a female voice interrupted, laced with sarcasm. Everyone looked up to see Harry with a female sidewinder perched on his neck. The snake continued to speak. "An older version of Sasuke before Cottonmouth and Diamondback convinced him to play nicely."

"He is nothing like my foolish little brother," Itachi stated.

"Oh, you're deluding yourself. He's just like the revenge-obsessed brat. I wish Diamondback were here so he could bite some sense into this man!"

"So do I, Wind," Anko grumbled.

"And you're not alone," Nag hissed.

"I… am I a parselmouth for Asian languages?" Snape asked, his voice at least an octave higher than normal.

"No, these are Summons," Anko explained. "They speak the Human languages."

"This is confusing…" Snape said softly.

"What's so confusing about it?" his mother asked.

"Everything."

"I see." She sat on a bed, beckoning Snape to sit across from her on the other bed. "There's only one way I know to be certain of your allegiance and reasoning." She raised her wand and pointed it at his face. _"Ligimens!"_

* * *

><p>Sarutobi Konohamaru sat, dripping, under a doorjamb. A bucket of something very sticky, smelly and fluorescent green had somehow been propped over a door, and he was the result.<p>

"Oh, I'm sorry, Konohamaru-kun!" a voice called. He looked up to see a fox standing there. "I meant to get Benihime-chan!"

"Shikkou," Konohamaru grumbled. "Why were you trying to prank Benihime? She's a good dog."

"She keeps teasing me. Last night I was going to have a midnight snack of dango, but she ate all the sweet bean sauce!"

"Boss' dog ate the sweet bean sauce?" the Hokage's grandson asked, trying to confirm what he was hearing. That dog had the strangest appetite. At least sweet bean sauce was edible.

* * *

><p><em>Flashback<em>

* * *

><p><em>Konohamaru ran into his grandfather's office, trying to get away from Ebisu-Sensei. The Special Jonin had tasked him with fifty pushups, eighty sit ups, and one hundred crunches before his homework, and the Hokage's grandson wanted only to play with Udon and Moegi. <em>

"_Hey!" a voice cried as Konohamaru ran headfirst into a blonde boy wearing a blinding orange jumpsuit. "Benihime! Don't eat that!" A small brown and white puppy was gnawing on a stack of Sarutobi Hiruzen's paperwork, some of it scattered about and other papers shredded. The blonde boy picked the dog up and started trying to rearrange the filing. _

"_Konohamaru-sama!" Ebisu's voice echoed down the hall. The jonin came barreling into the room, then stopped short. "What are _you_ doing in here? Get that dog out of here before it eats another pair of my glasses!"_

"_She ate your _glasses_?" the blonde boy asked incredulously. The white and brown dog looked chastised. "What else have you eaten this past week?"_

_*whimper, whine, bark, moan*_

"_You ate Iruka-Sensei's _chalkboard erasers?_ What about the medic's son? His profile cards are missing. Did you eat those, too?"_

_*whine*_

"_Great. What about Huuga-sama's missing special candlesticks?"_

_*emphatic bark*_

"_They were stolen? By who?"_

_*bark, whine, moan*_

"_John Johnson? Who's that?"_

_*whine, bark, growl*_

"_A thief from the Outside?"_

"_Uh-huh. Right. Let's go home. Sorry about the mess and your glasses. Er… who are you again?"_

"_I am Ebisu. This is the Honorable Grandson of the Honorable Third Hokage."_

_*bark, growl, whine*_

"_He's a pervert? How can you tell that from scent?" the blonde yelped. _

"_The dog's right!" Konohamaru put in. "I caught him peeking at the hot spring!" Ebisu pinched the bridge of his nose. The puppy howled._

* * *

><p><em>End flashback<em>

* * *

><p>"Hey!" Shikkou cried as he spotted Sasuke coming into the room. "Care for a game of Shougi?"<p>

"Hn. No. Cottonmouth is more challenging than you," the Uchiha grunted as he put a plate of onigiri together. "Why is Konohamaru covered in… whatever that is?"

"Don't ask," Shikkou said as Konohamaru explained that the Fox Summon had pranked him by accident.

"Hn. Get your targets right." Sasuke abandoned his lunch as he grabbed a scraper from the utensil can and began trying to get the green goop off of the Hokage's grandson.

"I'll try next time," Shikkou said with a flourish and a bow. Benihime bounded through the door, took one look at Konohamaru and barked several times at Shikkou.

"Why did you eat all the sweet bean sauce?" Shikkou asked her point blank. What followed was a bizarre half-understood conversation between the fox and the dog, Naruto coming in mid-conversation and putting his opinion in from time to time while trying to help Konohamaru and Sasuke clean up the mess.

"You know, it would be better if you helped for once," Naruto said to Shikkou.

"Okay, fine. Cleaning jutsu!" Konohamaru was encased in a bubble which popped rather loudly, spraying soapy lemon scented water everywhere.

"SHIKKOU!" Naruto roared, the Kyuubi's chakra leaking slightly from his eyes.

"A-aunt Akahoshi-sama?" Shkkou asked tremulously.

"What?" Naruto asked, confused, letting go of his anger.

"You… aunt Akahoshi-sama…"

"The Kyuubi is your aunt?" Sasuke asked to try clearing up whatever was going on.

"Yeah. She disappeared over half a millennium ago. I think we found out where she went."

_:You did, nephew.: _The voice was a low feminine growl, heard everywhere and nowhere at once.

"Holy Shit!" Naruto yelped. "Is that _her_?"

_:Of course it's me, Mortal! Who else would it be?_ _Of all the people the Yellow Flash had to seal me into… what a pain in the tails. Nephew, what happened to my son?:_

"Aunt Akahoshi-sama, he lived. The last I heard he was being raised by the Priestess of the Ages."

_:Priestess of the Ages, eh? I've never heard of her.:_

"She is said to be able to control demons with a single word."

_:Interesting. Tell me more about her.: _Naruto groaned, it looked as though he was going to have to put up with his tenant demanding information from his Summons. And he was going to have to try to get the… stuff off of Konohamaru while he was at it. Some days were turning out to be really annoying…

* * *

><p><em><strong>Celebwen Telcontar: What did you think?<strong>_

_**Balrog: Uh-huh. What was that stuff on Konohamaru?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Frankly, I'm not quite sure myself. I got the inspiration from a marshmallow a friend of mine microwaved for a full five minutes. The marshmallow didn't turn green, though it did explode. We had to throw the microwave away.**_

_**Balrog: What was she trying to do? Indoor s'mores?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: She was bored and found the marshmallows.**_

_**Balrog: Was this the same friend who filled your dishwasher with liquid hand soap when you ran out of detergent?**_

_**Celebwen Telcontar: Yes. The carpet smelled like Liquid Dial for at least three months.**_


End file.
